A Bite of Tiramisu

moving.

2009-07-10T03:38:00.001-07:00

No, I am not moving -- but tiramisucupcake is.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and for a number of reasons, I've decided to start clean for senior year :) New beginnings, in more ways than one.

If you'd like to keep up with me, you can now find me at:

tiramisucupcake.wordpress.com

(See how I kept the username the same? To make it easier on you guys! Update those Google Readers, hint hint!)

I'm still figuring out WordPress, but hopefully I'll have it down soon. Until then, be patient with me, I'm learning.

As a final note here, a goodbye sentiment from junior year -- For all you seniors at I've gotten to know so much better through blogging, please keep in touch after you guys all leave (and visit whenever possible, of course!). If you're mad at school or roommates or anything, feel free to call or email, as always! Or video chat, or instant message, wow I can go on and on. For everyone else, I'm so excited for the rest of summer and this new school year and you should be too! See you in August :)

Love always, Tammy.

today, we stop being juniors

2009-06-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

and start being seniors.

Yesterday, A took us to Narnia. We swung on the swing (I was horrible at getting on and off, and N almost killed herself/gave me a heart attack when she was hanging over the edge the first time), and looked at the view, and it was incredibly, incredibly amazing. All the screaming and falling on my butt and getting my jeans and face and hair completely dirty, it was like adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. There's something about standing up high and looking over a city, or being like 10 feet up in the air that's just so exhilarating (and now I know where to run to over the summer!). In the car on the way there, we listened to horrible music, haha. Extremely vulgar. Thanks a lot, A and C. Also the driving was so interesting that I screamed about once every five seconds. Hahaha oh my gosh.

Last night, the emails chains that I've been waiting for since forever finally came. I had Gmail open on the browser for hours last night, and as I was watching videos I'd pounce on new messages as soon as they came in. I'm even more excited after reading all the introductions, not to mention completely anxious for the next month to go by as soon as possible.

Last night I also had some conversations that I'll remember for a long, long time. Because sometimes you don't have a choice, you know? What happens, happens.

09 is graduating tonight, and I know I'll have a lot to say about that too. But right now, just for myself, I think that it's worth it to kind of contemplate how things are changing for me next year.

In my entire life, I've never had a rebellious stage. I've heard people say that it's better for kids to be rebellious earlier in their lives, so that by the time they've become upperclassmen in high school they've kind of straightened themselves out -- which is a lot more valuable, I think, than being straightened out only by their parents. I don't think that this is my rebellious stage -- not at all, I know that this is tame compared to what I could be doing -- but I think that in the past month I've suddenly gotten a lot more open to things I would've never considered, enjoyed, or given the time of day previously. It feels kind of liberating.

I have a feeling that this summer will be really impactful. (<-- that is not a word, but I didn't really know that until like, today) And even more, I think certain things are definitely changing for senior year, that I haven't ever dared to change previously.

I mean at the end of the day, I only have this one last year left, right?

the bio rooms...

2009-05-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

smell HORRIBLE lately.

I think it's a combination of the freshman pig dissections, and the AP Bio refrigerator of death (zone of inhibition! Every day during class!).

Quite honestly, I'm kind of nostalgic for the dissection.

I'm not blade-happy or eager to kill animals -- but I really did learn a lot from that. More than I'm learning from this PDP anyway. (And I'm really not learning that much from this, actually, but I think I make this project sound worse than it actually is. It's just so easy to complain about it.)

So instead I like to think about our pig. We never named it. I thought that was kind of sadistic. Plus Lerner wouldn't let us. Yes I was the surgeon for our dissection. And I was very good. I think I've said that before. We got a 10 on our brain.

I don't actually know the point of this post, but it's something that I think about whenever I walk by B building... and I'm probably not the only one.

taiwan.

2009-05-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

I would like to go back this summer.
I haven't been back since that wonderful, amazing (that's both sarcastic and not sarcastic) summer before high school.
< / 3

because, finally, i know --

2009-05-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

I deserve better.

I karaoked today, for the first time in my memory at least (okay, I'm sure that's not how you phrase it). To be honest, I didn't think it was going to be half as fun as it actually was. I'm really glad I went. It was nice, just being a room full of people with the lights off and a disco ball shining colors everywhere and everyone staring at a projector with words flashing across it. Not thinking about anything and just singing.

For the entire three hours, there was only one time that I wasn't honestly completely happy -- and I think, since it was so dark, it was pretty well hid and I got over it quickly. But of course, since it's the one thing that really upset me, it's what I've been thinking about for the entire afternoon and it's what this post is going to be about, for the most part. So before I describe it, I just want to say that the entire social was very well planned and that I wasn't upset by anything that anyone could have prevented :)

In the middle of singing one of the slower Chinese songs, P, who was sitting right next to me, became very disinterested in the song (I didn't entirely blame him) and, bored, leaned over to me and said, "This is going on forever. God. What can we do... Tammy, how are things with *****? Tell me, tell me. I'm sure this'll take about an hour." The urging and crude comments didn't stop until the end of the song.

I'm not really going to try to describe how I felt, because I know it'll come off as extremely lame sounding. (And, taking an early suggestion, I have a diary to do that kind of thing now! Actually, it's a $1.50 notebook that I bought from Daiso. But that's another story entirely.) But if I could, this is where it would go. I also felt like I was going to cry, but of course, no one knew.

I don't think I need to continue the story any longer.

The reason why I'm publishing this isn't to embarrass someone (except, maybe myself, but that's certainly not intentional either) but rather because this is something that's been bothering me for a long, long time.

Instead, it's this that I can't figure out:

Why can't anyone seem to understand that I genuinely like someone, and that I when I get rejected, I genuinely get hurt?

And why does this always seem to happen around the people that I consider friends?

Quite honestly, I'm done being bothered by this.

I'm extremely offended, and extremely hurt, hurt more than the person you asked about hurt me.

I know that some people aren't interested in hearing the story because they think it's bad for me. And I can respect that, and I can appreciate that. Because at least they're doing it because they care about me -- at least, I think that's why they are.

What bothers me is when you know so much about it and you STILL treat it like a joke.

In Journalism, it's a joke -- but that's a case that I'm completely 100% okay with. Because it's completely different in Journalism. It's less about the real situation and more about part of the story that's become a part of me, if that makes sense. It is a part of who I am -- it's something that I brought into the class, it's something that I'm associated with, it's something that I essentially said was okay to do and I'm still in complete agreement with. I'm completely okay with it, under that context. In fact, if it stopped, I'd feel weird. I think it has to do with the fact that, at this point, I'm starting to trust Journo more about this. Because while it's a joke to them, they're on my side -- and they still respect me (sometimes I do wonder why, though -- if I have a blemish on my name in that class it'd be this). And that's fucking important. I don't really know how to stress this point more.

I think it's a difference of curiosity (which is okay) versus complete, utter lack of regard of my emotions as a person (which is not okay, and especially not okay coming from a friend). I think that was written very dramatically, but it's okay. I feel very dramatically about this. Ha.

On the other hand, people that are completely close to me, and have followed the story (and, might I mention, have followed the story through pumping it out of other people, instead of hearing it from me) should know even better than Journo. You can treat it as a joke, but if we're friends, I expect you to also realize that I have feelings and that TEN fucking times out of ten, asking a question with that tone and under that kind of circumstance is just going to make me extremely sad and extremely mad at the same time.

I think I'm not phrasing this correctly. It's still very emotional and whatever. I'm still pretty bothered. Maybe I'll try again next time.

morning.

2009-05-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up at 5 again. I haven't done that in a while.

I think there's just something about waking up in the really early morning, that just puts life into perspective for you. You can literally hear the birds chirping and the sound of leftover water droplets falling. It's very nice.

Yesterday (as in, Friday at 2:30 in the morning), I wrote another letter. One of the ones that sound pathetic, but that you mean with all your heart. From it:

"And, I mean, even at the world's darkest, I know that the sun will come up the next day. There hasn't been a change in the world so catastrophic so as to change that, yet."

More than anything, I want to this happy for a long, long time.

And this is why I like sunrises so much.

breathe - taylor swift

2009-05-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

I'm really, really, really sorry.
But I wish you were sorry too.
I can't breathe without you, and I really really wish I didn't have to.

But if I don't have a choice, I don't have a choice.
I'd work to bring us even just a millimeter away from that point.

edit:
You'd think that, after so long, this kind of thing would get easier.
It doesn't.

back :)

2009-05-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything here.
Since then, several things have happened:

1. AP testing is over! I am trying to keep this a fairly lighthearted post, so no discussion of what I thought of them until July. :)
2. El Estoque's eighth issue + senior edition came out yesterday. It was my first ever time having to worry about more pages than my own, but I'm actually kind of falling in love with how spastic my section seems to be! It's all very exciting, and I'd much rather something be exciting than too static. So hooray!
3. PDP is now underway. It's quite a challenge. Um, and it's a bit annoying, to be quite honest. I really do hope that it works out. Another checkpoint tomorrow :(
4. Random arguments and disputes. And that is sad.
5. APUSH is now basically completely over, except that I still have an FRQ to make up. It's kind of the worst feeling in the world, knowing that there's still something being held over my head. :/ On a happier note, I really really like the movies we've been watching! So far we've seen Iron Jawed Angels, Thirteen Days, and we're watching Miracle now. I've never head of any of them before this. But, I don't know, very intense. Have not cried yet though, S :)
6. Probably more. This is what I hate about lists. I always forget stuff. But, that's alright.

The Writing for Pub kids are writing Letters to the Editor right now, and it's fun to eavesdrop on their conversations. I always smile when one of them starts explaining colleges and things (Senior Map came out this issue) to her friends. It's kind of cute, and half the time I'm thinking, "No, actually that's completely wrong..." before I realize that I'm doing it too. I wonder if I've sounded really funny to upperclassmen before. :)

oh, and while we're at it, here's my life for the rest of the year:

2009-05-03T21:31:00.000-07:00

May 4: APUSH Unit 8 Test
May 5: Reports due to Ms. Nunes for NLC
May 6: AP Calc AB
May 7: APUSH final
May 8: AP US History; Late Night (Part 1)
May 10: Tzu Chi (that might take a long time?)
May 11: AP Biology
May 12: Late Night (Part 2)
May 18 (tentative?): Bio Final (Part 2)
May 20: Distribution
May 22: PDP Design deadline, I think
June 1: Something important. I forgot. Crap. edit: I bet this is the PDP due date.
June 2: El Estoque Banquet!
June 5: Oh hey, some random Friday (hehe.)
June 6: SAT 2 US History, Biology (which I better get an 800 on)
June 8: Lit Final
June 10: French Final (which is, unfortunately, worth stressing over this time. Do your homework, kids.)
June 11: Grad.

When you look at it like that.. it's just all. too. fast. ):

the stages of frustration.

2009-05-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

So, here is a random post idea --

I realized recently that I have several stages of frustration, and I guess it just never hit me before but I guess I tend to find comfort in similar, random things.

In fact, I noticed this like 10 minutes ago as I was doing one of the things on the list that I will soon provide.

Tammy's Stages of Frustration:

1. Fume silently.
2. Draw/write/type lots of smiley faces, tell myself that I am happy.
3. Clean bathroom. And not just reorganize -- I scrub, rinse, spray, bleach, all that chemical goodness.
4. Do laundry.
5. Fold stars.
6. Cry.
7. Convince myself that I love school more than anything else and study up a storm (this is actually a positive, because it means that I actually end up doing better in school the next day)
8. Rant to everyone
9. Get over it.
NOTE: Eating gets added in between steps randomly. Either that or running lots of miles at a time; most of the time the choice between the two depends on the reason for being sad.

That's kind of the general progression of what I do when I'm upset. Of course, it seems like something sometimes goes wrong and one of those links gets messed up and then I just fail. And sit there and do nothing for hours on end. That's only happened once in my entire life actually. But it's very horrible, and kind of just... pointless.

On a completely unrelated (and it's actually unrelated, that wasn't sarcastic) note: I think I am sick now. I always get sick when important things come up. It makes me worried for college.

I have two AP tests this week, as well as APUSH final and production. I need to get better -.-"

slc09?

2009-04-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

SLC was amazing. Was going to do a recap post, but since E did an amazing one already, you can just go read hers! Amazingness! Some of my favorites:

3) Alice calling us in the weeeee hours of the morning to check up on us :) -- "Hi Alice. We're practicing right now. Don't worry! See you at six!" *five minutes later, Esther falls asleep.*
14) Failed elevator. FAIL. -- And failed, demagnetized keys. And failed door lock. FAIL^3.
16) Cheering on Entre, Global Business, and Biz Ethics, who I all think did wonderfully (I don't care what the judges think, you guys were the best! <3)> In all seriousness, I loved all of you.
24) Alice, Tammy, and I discussing the deep, deep issue of dumb people + other stuff :) -- We're super mature. And super insightful. We like correct usage of the English language, and dramatic interpretations. ;)
26) The HAHAHA moment when Alice dared to do a certain thing. HAHAHAHA ooooooooh Tammy. -- ASD:KFAS:DKFOOE hmph. You're lucky that I'm basically in love with every individual involved, or someone would not be smiling right now. :) <33>
29) The feeling when I found out that we were going to Nats. Epic. -- Agreed!

The end of States each year marks the beginning of the end of the year (that was a mouthful) and that's evident in a lot of places -- Journalism new staff is decided, FBLA officer selections will start soon, ASB activity points are starting to get mentioned, etc. But before we get into all that, I think

edit: It is now Friday afternoon. Good job, Tammy. Haha so I started this post earlier and I never finished it, which is why I never published. But alright.

FBLA has had.. a pretty significant impact on my high school life. It's my third year, and soon to be my third nationals - which is a pretty cool achievement I think, making Nationals every year (I feel like our freshman year was the first year we had so many freshmen go to Nats). I've switched between groups of friends, I've seen different parts of the country and different, I guess, cultures (haha. Nationals dances are exciting..). I have both competition and chapter project experience (although

edit: so I've tried to write this post twice already, and failed both times. So since I promised I'd publish, I'll publish -- except consider this a Work in Progress I guess. Will pick up after Nats.

Right now all I can think about is AP's ):

For the record:

1st in American Enterprise Project
2nd in Business Plan
I love you all. <3

only on slc's lazy saturday...

2009-04-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

"No, I don't want to go, I'm taking a shower soon."
"Why?"
"... What do you mean why?"
"Why are you taking a shower?"
"... Because I want to be clean?"
"Why do you want to be clean?"
"Because... for fun? Why are you asking all these questions..."
"You're taking a shower because you want to be clean for fun..."

Two minutes later:

"... Don't go take a shower, go to Taco Bell with me."
"No, I want to take a shower."
"You have to take a shower because you want to be clean for fun? Why do you have to be clean right now?"

Thanks, Ethan. Great questions -.-"
Will post something more meaningful after Awards.

the summer we went to kellerman's.

2009-04-22T01:08:00.000-07:00

My favorite chick flick of all time is Dirty Dancing.
(And I want it on DVD.)

There are many movies I know to be good, that I haven't seen yet. And Dirty Dancing isn't really too amazing as a film. But I do know that every time I watch it, it's just... liberating in a sense. There's suggestive dancing, impossible fated-to-doom love, and random things to ground it like a botched abortion and an appearance of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead.

I often wonder how important love is in real life.

I said in my earlier post, really randomly, that I always felt I was a young 16. I really meant it. I think I'm just young in general. Young face, young mentality on life. So much naivety that it's not normal; it's harmful to myself. Sometimes, after I've done something that I'm proud of -- like win an award, or get accepted into a program -- I look at myself and wonder how I can do the things I do and still be so dumb sometimes.

Looking around me, love is not that important. The seniors that I respect the most (most of them) don't have random messy entangled feelings like what I'm trying to deal with now. Or, they're mature enough to not show their emotions openly. I've heard stuff from adults about the reasons they married their spouses, and I don't like hearing what they say sometimes. But yes, it's there.

In my head, love is supposed to be that magical balloon that fills you up and makes you float from the inside. It's the world's sweetest chocolate and softest marshmallow. It's the prettiest music and the most passionate kiss.

In my head, love is also the darkest tunnel you've ever been down, the most potent drug the best way to give yourself headaches the hottest bed of coals you've ever been stupid enough to walk on and it has fumes that'll be deadlier on your eyes than a pot of chopped onions.

But even at its worst -- it still has an impact. It's still meaningful. It's still there.

Dirty Dancing is an example of that. Upper class Baby and Johnny of the entertainment staff fall in love -- class barriers -- and end up having the best summer of their lives, only to return to their lives after the vacation. Yet, while it happened it was real, it was hot.

I know that love doesn't work in real life like it does in movies (yes, even I do know that). But... at the very least it sends you off to bed with a smile on your face, right?

My mind says that in real life, love is also about understanding a person, and being worried for that person, and celebrating their achievements. Not feeling obligated to, but wanting to naturally. It's about the mutual understandings you have for each other just as much as it is about that random conversation in the middle of the night that makes you laugh. I wouldn't have it any other way. Both of them combined makes it what it is. I think. That probably made no sense.

The reason why I have the "audacity" to write about this topic like I'm knowledgeable is because I thought I did feel in love for a period of time. For a month in the recent past, I thought there was something there when really there probably (unconfirmed officially, but that means nothing) was nothing. I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke up the same way. I dreamed. I cared. I waited, I had faith.

This post isn't about condemning that action though. It's about what's going on now (because it's certainly not a meadow of daisies now).

Today I did something that broke my own heart. I didn't even know that was possible. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Very insecure. I really, really hate myself when I'm like this. It seems like I only blog when I'm emotional though. But really -- I know what I'm capable of. And I can do things well, and I am competent. And I don't know what has been going on with me for the past few weeks, but I've been slipping way too much. So today, I thought I could solve that problem by taking the emotions away and just working.

Instead, all that's really, truly been in my head for the past hour is this signature quote from Dirty Dancing:

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

i think i need a diary

2009-04-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

I love blogging, and reading blogs. But I think I'm getting confused in terms of what is private life and what is public life. I'm 16 years old, but I think I'm a very young 16. I've always been young I think.

I wonder if I'd have the patience to write about everything I want to, by hand. Does that sound horrible? Perhaps I'm getting lazy with the technology sitting right here in front of me. Oh well.

New Years is always such a random time to make resolutions, I think. Right in the middle of winter; it doesn't feel like a new year to me. I love the weather lately. Lazy summer heat. It clears my head. It's a good time for it.

I don't know what this post means. But that's okay :)

things that currently bother me:

2009-04-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

School-wise: Why am I still doing this APUSH packet when I promised myself I'd spend the entire first day of break on it so I wouldn't be in this position?
Future-wise: The stories that I hear should be inspirational, but they just make me want to run away. And that really really really bothers me.
People-wise: You're supposed to understand me. Why can't you see that I'm not even upset over that? Why can't you understand that of course I would be upset in the first place?
Life-wise: How the hell do I drive like that and NOT get pulled over? (?!?!?!?!) edit: Or die?

starboard!

2009-04-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

Room makeovers are hard. But here is my thing: for the longest time, I've have this cold, academic unisex room. It's actually pretty masculine, relatively speaking. Not manly. Masculine. Brown, earthy color scheme, undecorated, bookshelf full of books, etc. And I'm changing that, because it's fun. Also to get over stuff. That was the plan; not so sure if that's the plan anymore but more on that later.

Today I finished my first real thing for the room: my bulletin board -- starboard! (for obvious reasons). Still kind of masculine but I'm getting there. Before it was the messiest, unorganized thing with paper several layers thick (actually was kind of a secret pleasure to look at) but now it's not like that anymore.
And the coolest thing is that it has pictures on it!

It looks kind of bland against the ground but really cool on the wall. There is also a story behind these stars. And it's kind of ironic, the reason for which I folded them in the first place and the reason for which I stuck them on the bulletin board kind of directly clash against each other. Whatever. Anyway, there are 156 on the border of the bulletin board. It was actually super fun to glue them down. Kind of.. therapeutic.

Look baby pictures! When I'm sad I look at the one of me about to eat the towel :)

And just for the heck of it, look at that piece of paper. Roar.
And I put stars on my push pins too! When you look from farther away (and without glasses, I guess) it looks like there are just stars floating on the top of my papers. Clear pushpins are cool.

Anyway, back to my thing about these stars. Yes, there is a story behind these stars. There was once a time last summer when I felt very, very lethargic, every day for ten days. So, I did my work and then I just sat in bed and folded stars. Hundreds of stars. The stars are tiny, and they filled two whole cups. Recently, the reason I folded these stars kind of came along and exploded in my face. Even bigger than usual. So instead of burning them or tossing them into the wind or scattering them into the pool (okay, I bet no one got that) I stuck them on my bulletin board as my first get-over-him project. So. Working on it.

Only thing is, now I have about 18 hundred more stars, and I don't know what to do with them anymore. I don't want to star-border anything else, that's kind of... done. And it takes away from the board. So I don't know, if you have any ideas on what else I can do with these stars then let me know, or I might see myself burning them or tossing them into the wind or scattering them into the pool. It sucks when things like this hold sentimental value (sucky sentimental value, but whatever).

Good night.

the last day.

2009-04-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

I had this whole cool way I was going to start this post, but that's been scrapped now, because something more important has happened -- I bumped my head really, really, really, really hard against the frame of my closet (I know, only me...) and started crying again for 5 seconds. I think I'm finding ways to subconsciously make myself cry. And once I do I get really sad again.

Today I woke up and realized that things are changing. That's a funny feeling, because it's so obvious and sounds really, really dumb because of course, things change every day. That's how life goes on. But today I got accepted into a summer program that I was really truly not confident about (YAYAYAY) and that is exciting. Today is also the day before the JEA/NSPA spring conference in Phoenix, which would be exciting if I went. But still noteworthy.

Blippy post. Here is the train of thought:

What do you do when you realize you can't have the thing that you originally thought was all you ever wanted?
You change what you want.
How do you change what you want?
You change the way you think.
How do you change the way you think?
You change the way you do things. The way you live.

Thus, room maker. Life makeover.

Starting with a pretty worthy cause for celebrating: I got accepted to M&TSI today. :)

the becoming - grey's anatomy 4.14

2009-04-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

Mer: Every time Derek walks into a room, all I can think about is his tongue. In my mouth.
Therapist: So, you think about kissing Derek.
Mer: It's making surgery very difficult. So I need some therapy tools so that I can move on.
Therapist: Sure you want to move on?
Mer: Well, we have our fifth clinical trial patient today. And the first four, we've learned a lot, but we haven't saved one. And I really want to save one. So I can't be distracted by things like tongues. ...So I need some tools. Now.
Therapist: You're having fantasies about Derek. The only way to get rid of them is to remind yourself of the reality.
Mer: ...The kissing's not going to happen now... because he's with Rose...
Therapist: Powerful stuff, reality.

one family <3

2009-04-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

The summer before I entered high school was very interesting, for several reasons. One reason I'm sure everyone knows about: I went to summer school and met up with lots of people that I used to know. It was also the last time I took swimming seriously.

I don't think many people know the other reason, though.

And I suck at telling stories, so I'm going to stop trying so hard.

I left summer school that year a day early; everyone else's second-to-last day, which was a Thursday, was my last day. I left early because I had a red-eye flight to Taipei, which was in that mysterious time between Thursday and Friday. (Okay, Friday morning.) I cried as I waved to my parents -- who didn't go on the trip with me -- not because I'd miss them, but because I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do on my own. I like plans and itineraries, or at least knowing people that can show me around; all I knew this time was the name of this organization -- Tzu Chi -- and that some friend of my uncle's (who I'd never met) was going to show me around and take me to various activities. It irritated me that my parents weren't concerned; I was concerned. I didn't even know the woman, for goodness sake; what if she didn't even want me following her around?

Ms. Yang turned out to be sweet, funny, pretty, and really interesting to talk to. And she was really good at being a tourguide; she made sure I went to hospitals, recycling centers, the Da Ai TV station headquarters. She couldn't take me to the Abode of Still Thoughts, so she arranged for me to go with another sister who was going there anyway, who also took me to the Tzu Chi schools in Hualien where I made friends with some of the kids in middle school and high school.

I talked to car crash survivors in the hospital, and sorted paper at one of the biggest recycling stations in Taipei. I baked bread and washed dishes with the nuns in the Abode of Still Thoughts, and I led a camp for elementary school kids with the coolest bunch of Tzu Ching at the college, some of them whom I still miss from time to time, and the kids knew me as pa pa xiong jie jie.

I met Master Cheng Yen. She gave me prayer beads.

I did not take any pictures.

And that is why, after all this time, I still go to the High School Group -- reluctant in the beginning, but really grateful as I come back -- because of how... amazing it all is. I overuse that word, I know. I can understand why people my age, if they hadn't experienced what I did, might think it's a waste of time. In fact, every year as I'm evaluating my extracurriculars I wonder if I should even continue, and I end up half-heartedly filling in my application at the last second for some reason I don't really understand. But later, I'm glad that I do -- if not for the group itself but for the memories.

I don't know. I used to have unconditional faith in people, and in things. Now, I don't. But my mom thinks that having something spiritual in life is a good thing. And maybe this can be my spiritual thing.

I know the past few posts haven't made any sense. But I think it's a blip. I'm in that period when I'm still working out my life, and what I want it to be.

let me tell you a story...

2009-04-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Forever?
Does 1/x ever stop? He said, with evident exasperation.
She said, I see. She made a face and went to bed -- all the while smiling on the inside.
Two weeks later, he was gone.
She misses him.

She should grow up now.

tammy, you're too nice.

2009-04-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

It surprises me how many people have said that to me, in some form or another, these past few weeks -- and how much I just want to cry every time I hear it.

Yes, I choose to talk to you when I see that you're upset, instead of turning around and walking in the other direction. Yes, I choose to step in to do things when I know that other people can't and I'm perfectly able to, even if I'm not directly responsible for those things. Yes, I choose to forgive -- even though sometimes I feel like I'm physically incapable of forgetting anything.

But why do I choose to be like this? Especially since people don't even expect it of me?

I never used to care what other people thought of me -- and though I guess, I must care more now, it's a secondary thing. I do what I do because that's who I am now; I don't consciously think about it. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.

I don't want to be the nice girl anymore. The member of Journalism that's cautious and shy in class, that no one believes can hound people for stories. The daughter that tries to do a million things and manages all her friends' emotions and who other people's parents compliment because she's "so sweet" but in reality never want their kids to be like because she seems like she'll always be the underpaid, unappreciated, and unsuccessful bitch of life. The girl that loves someone with all her heart, and will never be loved back.

I have materialistic dreams too. I want to live a comfortable life, with a job I love -- and almost all the jobs I love seem to be connected to money. I have superficial dreams -- I want my tall, handsome, suave knight in shining armor, with a diamond on my finger, a pretty house with a pool, and roses every Valentine's Day -- even if I'm too busy with my career to appreciate it all.

But I hear every single day from everyone that stuff like that doesn't come to people like me. The money and the jobs go to people that walk all over each other, and kill their opponents. The perfect boys go to the girls that think themselves too good for anyone else, the girls that have the bar set up so impossibly high so that all that comes through are the dream ones (note to younger self: all that crap your guy friends tell you about girls being too hard on themselves? well guys don't want to be appreciated either). The respect goes to the people that can be tough enough to go out and take what's theirs.

And why shouldn't it? They're the ones that deserve it.

So I have to change.

Contrary to what I wrote in the beginning of this post, I do love Journalism with all my heart and I'm so glad that I'm even a section editor -- it's much more than I could've expected.
On a different but similar note, I think one of the reasons I love Journalism so much (Journalism the class and organization, not Journalism the subject which is just as amazing but not entirely relevant here) -- that you work hard for something that is real. Sometimes it's intangible, but at the same time, well I guess, what you do gets noticed. And even when it's not noticed (because no one is perfect) there's still a feeling over overarching unconditional love that's just... comforting. Of course there's a flip side; bad things happen when you do bad things. But I feel like it'd take something extreme for someone to come in one day and be exiled from staff (that's totally the wrong word, but its the connotation I'm looking for). Late nights have always fallen on the days when I feel the worst, and it's just.. being surrounded by people that love you doing something that you all love really puts life into proportion for you. So, for those of you that have noticed how much I rant about my stupid problems during class, realize that I don't do it during late night (or brainstorming, or other "crunchtime"-like times like those) -- I guess I talk about meaningless nothing by nature, but it really is out of respect for what we're doing that I refrain. And after 2 minutes, I don't even think about it anymore.
Actually, that was nothing that I haven't said before, but I think I just wanted to gush and wax about something that I love for a while. So, love, love, love.

I almost never think about it, but since we're on the topic anyway, I guess here's an opposite topic -- I don't think I ever got over MVFBLA rejecting me as an officer.
In all honesty -- I've been going to NLC since freshman year. First place at states my first year in FBLA, nationally ranked my second year. Team competitions since freshman year. Both competition and project leadership experience. Present at bonding activities, fundraisers, etc. And I stopped both athletics and Speech and Debate. You're really going to tell me that I'm too busy for this? I think I wouldn't be so upset if I knew for sure that there was a legit reason -- maybe I didn't fit the team, maybe I didn't have the right direction in mind for the club -- but when you have a title in mind for me, and put me in the officer team with everyone else and then take me out because I'M TOO BUSY, then well, no. Not happy. But perfect example for this post.
At the same time, MVFBLA is still cool, and I still love it. Just this one thing that I'll probably never forget. But I can deal with it.

Stop doing the bitchwork, Tammy, D's told me that a million times when I used to freak out at 12AM. Stop volunteering to do that useless crap, and just go tell ____ that you don't want to do it. But ironically, even D's gone now. He's gone, and I don't know why, or why it matters, or why these past two weeks are the worst I've had in a while, but I know that I just keep crying, or thinking, or trying to take my mind off it. What the heck, it's not like we were ever even close to going out -- why would it matter, right? No strings. But when someone's been there like a rock for what feels like forever (albeit a sharp rock, that always seems to pop this happy, nice bubble that is me) it's just wrong when it suddenly disappears. And I feel like I can just float along in the wind, with nothing to ground me anymore. And that's really, really scary. But again, that's what happens when you're nice. When you're happy for people when good things happen, instead of being bitter that good things don't happen to you too. When you worry about people when they get in trouble, instaed of screaming "GET THE (expletive) AWAY FROM ME, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME ANYMORE" and forcing them to get better in that supersadistic way.

Now I'm ranting, and upset, and crying again. I'm overly emotional. But a lot of this was true. Maybe I'll look back on this post tomorrow and want to delete it because I'll think it's overly cynical and that I don't actually mean any of it.

But right now, 1:03AM Sunday morning, I do mean it. I don't know if I want to be held to every single word I'm saying -- because again, ranty, emotional. But I'm sure you get the overall gist of it now -- and that overall gist I could not mean more.

every 15 minutes --

2009-04-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

Love,
every 15 minutes someone in the United States dies in an alcohol-related traffic collision. Today, you died... I never got the chance to tell you...

I love you.
It doesn't get much easier, simpler, or truer than that.

for sale: friendship -- $150, starting price.

2009-04-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have never been a materialistic person, and I still do not believe I am one. I do not obsess over where I shop, how much I spend.

The entire issue of Tiffany & Co. started in a sentimental sense, not in a materialistic sense. Yes, I am falling in love with these necklaces (to the point where I might buy one myself if this doesn't work out) -- but I don't cry over them. I cry over relationships.

Here's, I think, my main point: expensive gifts are fine for close friends. If we were close, I'd have no qualms giving you nice presents, if I thought that was what you wanted. I'd be happy making you happy. Problems come up when you are friends because of presents, instead of it working the other way around. When shoes and Tiffany become friendship, instead of symbols of friendship, and when you tell me that without this lovely gift exchange, we could just cut contact. Yeah, that's kind of a big red glaring warning sign.

[The rest of this post is not blog material, and has been moved. If you're the person concerned, you should ask me about it later -- if we're going to be friends, I expect you to care.]

edit: I'll buy them, and we'll talk. And then we'll see what happens. And who gets to keep what.

news section!

2009-04-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm so, so excited for El Estoque next year.

The more I think about it, the more I want to want News to be amazing -- and the more I want to be amazing.

I guess it's a bit intimidating, because S and L have been so efficient (and helpful, and responsible, and talented, and likable) this year, and I'll be by myself until co-editors are selected.

It's 5th period right now, and in a few minutes the bell will ring for lunch. I don't really know how things are going to work for this cycle -- what does a "transitional period" look like?

I don't think I can put into words how much this year's editors have influenced me. In my interview, I mentioned how, being new onto staff this year, the way I was lead by the section and head editors really influenced the way I approached Journalism. In hindsight, of the most critical, cold sense, I don't know if that was "smart" -- but I don't care. I said it because I meant it. I'm so glad you guys are still here with us, because I feel like there's always more to learn.

At the same time, it's exciting. This is a section that I'm really excited to be responsible for, and to own. Thank you, and I hope that I can take care of it as well as others have in the past.

We'll be amazing. I'm determined.

random musing / self lecturing.

2009-04-03T03:08:00.000-07:00

I'll write it everywhere, if I have to, to get it into my head.

"well you can figure it out yourself"
"okay you're annoying and wasting my time."
Exactly.

It was serious. Empirical evidence: yesterday + today. Get it already. And it's not your decision to make anymore. You have to change.

Today you hoped. Probably not very smart.

Stop holding onto something that doesn't want to be held onto.

(This is going up instead of the other post.)

sleep. blood. dress. coffee.

2009-04-03T01:35:00.000-07:00

Sleep is good.

Today after 2nd, I stayed in C-G's room and took a nap. For all of tutorial. I just put my head on my arms and slept. I think it might have actually freaked her out or something, but it made a lot of sense at the time. I was really tired. And I was so much happier after I woke up, which was good because today Bio was another intense lecture/note-taking session.

During 7th, I started feeling really tired again. I made P write down everything for the partner symbolism analysis that we were supposed to, because I couldn't think. Then I told the story about how I didn't sleep until 4AM and I woke up every half hour after I went to bed (I don't know why except I woke up freaking out and looking for a pen every time... ?!) so I was exhausted. I only meant to tell P but we sit near teachers. And then Mr. Revers told me that if I didn't get some sleep and ended up sitting in a chair trying to stay awake all of Junior Prom, he'd laugh at me. And later in the Journo room Ms. Cler was visiting and she lectured me for like 10 minutes about how I need to sleep.

Guess who's not sleeping.

Blood came to mind today, because for dinner I ate a donut and drank coffee. It reminded me of donating blood, which I've always wanted to do. My dad thinks it's not a good idea though -- paranoia about contracting diseases through needles. Which is kind of ironic, actually, considering it's hospitals that take our blood, and ones that probably wouldn't buy their needles from sketchy sources in the first place. Whatever, parents are allowed to worry. I'll just do it next year.

Blood is red. I realized today that my dress is blood red. It's wine red which is essentially blood red. It's also not getting hemmed. Or, not in the super legit way. We'll see. Just in case it dies, please don't walk all over my dress during Prom. It will make me sad. My dress is pretty, I think.

I had lots of coffee today. I don't feel tired right now, but I do feel like part of me has gone to sleep. It's hard to think about complicated things right now.

... I don't really get this post. It is very random. But that is how my day went. Oh and plus Frazier is deflating our Bio grades but I'm still good. Hooray!

lie to me ver. 1.2

2009-03-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

Q: "Are you okay? You look really tired."
TRANSLATION: Are you okay? Your eyes are puffy, and your music wasn't on loud enough.

A: "Yeah, I am really tired. It's okay."
TRANSLATION: Yeah, I'm kind of tired -- but honestly, who even cares, because it's not like I'll get any sleep anyway.

Q:"When did you go to sleep last night?"
TRANSLATION: Everyone could hear you moving around. Did you ever stop crying?

A: "Oh, like 2:00 or so."
TRANSLATION: Hah, I don't need to translate this one.

The economy sucks and that impacts everyone, and my parents and I (and everyone else) get upset with each other more often these days -- but I appreciate the tact in situations like these. I'm lucky.

Hard week. "lie to me - the original" is in draft form. I'll eventually put it up -- I just need a bit of time (and maybe a bit more encrypting).

edit:

Do we go after things we know we can't get for the challenge?

Is it for the "love of the game"?

Or maybe even it's for that feeling of disappointment that's half-expected and thus more easily taken than losing something we took for granted.

I've always felt that if you aim higher, you give yourself the opportunity to improve. I think that is true in a lot of things.

In personal relationships, though, I don't believe aiming higher is as clear as the stories and gossip make it sound. There's no real reason to explain this.

Right now, in this second, I'm clear about how I feel about this entire situation, and also about how I feel about him. And they both really agitate me. Not negatively or positively, just a lot of nerves.

when do you change?

2009-03-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Change is a good thing. I know that. I like change. I like the different colors of the leaves. I like slightly-flat soda. I like the way my books seem to regain a bit of that "new" smell, after I've left them untouched on the bookshelf for a while (whether that is my imagination is another story).

I like the bigger things too, like moving back to America (long, long ago, but still merits acknowledgment), getting my license, or being a junior-entering-AP-season. Maybe not the last one so much, but ultimately I know it's not a bad thing.

But all those are examples of external changes, I think. Things that I can't entirely control, and impact what I do -- but maybe not who I am.

What about the inside?

By the inside, I don't mean liking different boys or switching favorite types of music. Those are all technically decisions that you could change if you tried hard enough. Not that I think it's good to, or even worth the time, in most cases, but the thing is that you could, consciously.

What I mean is personality, specifically, the way that someone reacts to situations. Is that worth changing, if you could be a happier person because of it? Or if you could be more successful in your dream occupation because of it? Is it even possible?

I hate the idea of fate, or destiny, because I like to think that everyone's born on an even field. Of course the field is never even, but it's comforting to think that it's possible for everyone to succeed due to hard work, and not to God-given talent or some pre-made agenda. In this era, and in this country, the idea of not being able to make it with determination and perseverance seems... kind of insulting. There have been way too many rags-to-riches stories for fatalism, right?

But in a sense, isn't personality a bit of predetermination? What makes up your personality, anyway? Are you just born with it, and keep it for the rest of your life? How influenced are you by your genetics or your enviornment, really, and how much of it is just a mystery? Is the fact that I'm saying this just me looking for something to pin my current problems on?

I've always been sensitive. Sensitive in that I want the people that love me to love me back. That I like mutual feelings. I think I do a pretty good job tuning it out when I have work to accomplish, but once I fall back to being idle -- which, inevitably happens -- I start thinking too much. Sometimes it's good -- I plan things out, I think things through. There are also times when it's not good.

I guess, if I worked at it, I could make myself apathetic. I could learn to numb. I think debate did that to me a bit -- but that was in a global sense, not in the arena of personal affairs (Haha. What am I writing). I know I could be happier if I just didn't think, didn't care. I'm just not sure it's worth it. I don't even know if it's possible or not.

As evidenced, I am in a mood. There is actually a story behind this, but it's not very long or exciting, and kind of depressing too. It could be, depending on whether or not you'd want to hear it.

in my head:

2009-03-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm becoming a stress-only eater. I also feel like I just ate back the five miles I ran earlier. Should I be worried?
D's Helvetica post, and all this paper I'm staring at. And the computer screen, and the printer which hasn't printed anything yet.
Of everything that I did, what was I most proud of this assessment period? Why?
I'm exceedingly, exceedingly, exceedingly full, which is strange because I skipped dinner. Because I wasn't hungry then.

This post seems nonchalant and blippy, which it is. I don't mean it to be. Well I do, but it shouldn't be. Now I'm not making sense. Yeah, I'm kind of freaking out. I want things so badly and I can't help but doubt whether I have any justification for wanting them. I wonder if I should feel selfish but at the same time I feel like I've given this so much time and faith and love and even though those things can't beat the concrete, like skill or talent, I feel like it must count for something, right?(?!)

Perhaps not. Saying that kind of thing is kind of unlike me. I don't usually have much faith in that sort of mentality.

But, news from the other end of the spectrum: it seems like I'll be dealing with my own issues from here on out? And big girls don't cry.

---

I debated whether or not to put this up, and quite frankly it scares me what this blog is becoming. Ranty, emotional mess. Regardless, I decided that it'd be even worse if I just let it hide in draft for forever -- so here, with the intent that I will blog real posts after this.

this.

2009-03-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

I know I forced you into this, but
thank you for being my person for so long.

There's more, but..
that would require me to think. And I just can't do that right now.

Crying... makes me hurt. And vice versa.

cute kids :)

2009-03-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at the library. Hilarity ensued.

Before all that though, I made friends with two little boys. They were twins! So cute :) Both their names started with O. One of them was extremely talkative and entertained me by telling me stories about his life and school and his brother. He wants to be a police officer when he grows up. He likes pirates, because they are rich. He has two pieces of gold that his dad got for him. Did I know that pirates lived during the 17th century? But pirates also hurt people, and they are very, very mean, so he doesn't like them that much. There is a girl named Tammy at his school, and she is very pretty. Yes, he does like her.

His brother was much quieter, and talked slower. But he showed me a picture of the castle he drew! The picture got wet, he made sure to point that out. Plus he explained all the people he drew.

Shut up, H-D-M-S-all-of-you. I like kids, they are cute and they're fun to talk to :) Besides, I was worried about them. They looked so confused. And they sat down right next to me, and stared at me, so of course I was going to start talking...

Today I walked with A for a while after school, and I saw a little kid marching around with her mom, carrying a ruler and chanting the count for every step. Sighh. Yeah, I had no idea what they were doing, but she was happy. And that is what gave me the idea to write this post. Haha.

People like to ask me a bunch of questions about this, and it's kind of weird how common I get this:

Have you ever considered teaching kindergarten? No, but I considered teaching first grade when I was in first grade, and second when I was in second, and so on up until freshman year. Then I stopped. Hahahaha. No really I don't think I'd be good for that. Not enough patience. And it might be fun for a while, but I don't think I can work with that consistency.

Are you the kind of girl that's already planned out the names of all her kids? HAHA. Maybe half? In the sense that I have boys' names already 8)! Girls' names are harder to pick from. Haha no. I'm kidding, but I have thought about it -- in the way that every little girl thinks about her dream wedding or her dream husband without investing too much into it. I think it's way too early to be considering that seriously -- but by all means, if you have your kids' names picked out I'd love to hear them!

(At camp) Why don't you just yell at them... I hate the random yelling at kids, that happens simply because it's more "efficient" to terrify them into listening to you than trying other ways to get them to listen. I think D and I came up with a pretty good system for our kids last year, which was way more fun too, plus they loved us moer. I also hate the random ditching of kids, or like the ignoring of them when you don't have to lead activities. I might have done it before, but not consciously. Because, if I were 7 and at camp and my group leader kept running away to flirt with other group leaders, I'd be super confused and want to go home too.

Actually this is interesting though, because every volunteer activity that I've really enjoyed has involved children. First there was Kuai Le Jian Kang Ying in Hualien for Tzu Chi, and then there was Wisdom, and there was Thailand. And while I was in Taiwan there was also hospital visiting and things like that... Kids in hospitals ):

I really wish I was doing Wisdom this summer...

edit: that comment on journalism below

2009-03-22T23:24:00.001-07:00

Um, screw that. I am still in trouble. I wonder how my time management got so out of control...

6:13am (or, the past few days in review.)

2009-03-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

I have not been awake this early, on a weekend, since I was like 5, back when I was basically an insomniac.

Well, I guess I must have been, but today I am un-jet-lagged, obligation-less, and very, very energetic. Oh, and at home.

Remember Matador Vibe from El Estoque last year? I used to love reading that thing (Props, A!). So I was thinking about some of the happenings (for lack of a better word) that I wanted to mention...

UP: Bought Junior Prom dress!
DOWN: Kara's/Sprinkles being too sweet
UP: Bio quiz!
DOWN: Calc test..
UP: Journo being Journo, and our editors/adviser being who they are.
DOWN: Adlai E. Stevenson HS' The Statesman with prior review.

Technically that should be enough to explain how I feel, but I'm currently uninspired to do work so here's to being verbose, as usual:

Junior Prom dress: Is wine red, and very pretty, I think. I almost bought another one, and that was a purple mermaid dress, but this one was $70 less, and plus I don't know if I'm daring enough to wear that style yet. For now, I'm saving that idea for Senior Ball, but of course that can change. (Although I have to say that I discovered Friday night that I look surprisingly good in mermaid dresses -- of course, that says a lot about my figure...) But I really like this one too! And it's kind of exactly what I pictured in my head before I went out to buy it -- everything except the color which I never had any idea about anyway. Yay!

Kara's/Sprinkles being too sweet: Um, yeah. Will save my exact opinions for later, but the main thing that I'll mention here is that I went cupcake-tasting with A! And it was lots of fun: 280 is amazingly pretty, Santana Row and Stanford Shopping Center are so nice to run around in (well more like walk-around-quickly-while-trying-to-look-sophisticated), and in general it's fun to hang out with this girl.

Bio Quiz: So I went into this thing thinking I was going to do horribly, because on Thursday night I fell asleep having barely studied. But I have a good feeling about it -- though I'm not sure whether that's because of actual, realistic confidence or because these days I just have an inflated ego about Bio (however justified it is -- and it's very justified looking at my average right now :)). Either way, I do not cringe when I think about it. Plus I reviewed all the things I was unsure about with E like 5 minutes after I took it, and we put all the same things. And she studied.

Calc Test: On the other hand, this I have no confidence in. I suppose it should have been better than previous ones, but I made up some math, I think, for a problem that I had no idea about. And I think I'm going to get killed on some other stuff. Anyway.

Journo being Journo, and our editors/adviser being who they are: This class comes up in like all of my posts, but I think it's because I've found something that I want to love and to care about this year. And every part of it is amazing. In the past few days/weeks/months, I've heard lots of stories about conflicts at other schools (three of which immediately pop into my mind -- one of them is listed below, and the other two involve people that I care about on a personal level). It's not a matter of pity or sympathy at all, it's that I realize how much I love this specific community. And for the sake of not being too deep: Plus I got a story extension on Thursday, so hah. Not in trouble = me!

Adlai E. Stevenson HS' The Statesman with prior review: A wrote a very nice post about this, which also provides a nice background of what this even is, so you all can go check that out.
Since Writing for Pub, I've heard Ms. B talk about how wrong prior review is. Initially, I didn't understand -- if someone feels so strongly about a specific story, and they're the main source for it, would it be that horrible just to let them look through? But even then, I could see the problem with getting a whole issue reviewed. And that's what's happening with The Statesman.
When it happens to a publication, prior review sucks -- for lack of a better word. It's already a problem logistically, because it causes problems with getting pieces up or in on time. But much more importantly than that, there's censorship (conscious or subconsious) involved. Even if the intent isn't there, the action comes out, when people try to change wording, or grammar, or the structure of stories, or story placement, or anything. Plus, no matter what you write, and even if you think it sucks, it's still something that you put effort into -- and there's a difference between harsh critique and flat-out telling you to change something. More on that later, I think, as I am tired.

Last thing:

This is pretty. Thanks, M. I finally got around to stealing it from you.

Can you imagine climbing a mountain and waking up at like 4 in the morning to see this with your own eyes? I'm so envious.

when i'm stressed, i look at pictures of jiuzhaigou.

2009-03-19T02:08:00.000-07:00

I'd like to feel very calm, for once in a long time.

I promised myself so many times that I'd stop letting unimportant things bother me. I like to think that I'm composed when I think about school, or Journalism, or FBLA, or other things like that, things where I have expectations for myself and from other people -- but once it comes to my own relationships, I lose it completely. I think I'm starting to learn that this is where I should draw the line. Getting too close. Being too open. Not for the sake of being cold, but for the sake of not messing things up.

Regardless -- isn't that picture amazing? It's from a part of Sichuan, China called Jiuzhaigou Valley (but "gou" means "valley" already). I'd like to go there and see it for myself. R went there when her family did their Tibet/China trip, and she took amazing pictures.

Clear water is so relaxing. Just looking at pictures of this completely mesmerizes me.

There's a certain comfort in just being submerged in water. Not swimming, not kicking, not moving -- just going along with it all...

tuesday, march 17, 5th period --

2009-03-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

And Ms. B is still not back from the AmStuds trip.

Am I supposed to be here? I'm not really sure. I think she said something about closing the room during lunch but I asked Ms. Johnson and it seems to be alright, as long as I'm not being a bad kid. So I hope that I am not in trouble.

S started the trend of writing six word stories about our lives, and when I started reading all the posts that popped up last night, I got so excited and stopped doing my bio readings. And then I wrote one and stuck it in my AIM profile. The one I wrote last night was:

I am sixteen; never been kissed.

Now that I think about it, that's kind of depressing huh. It's not really meant to be. Plus I think I am very figurative all the time when I don't need to be, soo that's that. (If you didn't get that, it's not meant to be taken literally, but I guess you can if you want.)

Perhaps I will write more down later, if they pop into my head. But until then I will wait. For now I will study for my Calc test. That is tomorrow! I have not started studying yet. Plus we had a long weekend, how horrible. Shame on me!

More will come later. I have been neglecting this blog, I think. Bye bye!

licensed!

2009-03-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Yay I got my license today. One error. I can live with that.

She said I was excellent. :)

Sometimes I think it's too easy to make me happy.

And now, I am pensive. But I thought this would be important to mention, since this blog is partly for making memories.

Making memories... sigh.

Lady Gaga obsession, for some reason.

tammy got in "trouble" today...

2009-03-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

... and like a ton of people came up to me after class and asked me if I was okay. Thanks, by the way. But that's not the point.

Notice how I used my name in the title, instead of just saying "I". That was intentional, because... Tammy does not get in trouble. Sorry. It's true that don't always have perfect grades, and I'll be the first to admit that. But I am not the one that gets yelled at in class for doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

Good reason to stop this drama, by the way.

Anyway, my point in bringing this up was not really to comment on me getting in trouble, per se, but to bring up another point: my strange habit of writing letters that I never send. (How do you like my deceiving titles?)

I don't really know why I do this, exactly. Or how I started, or when. Kind of like how I don't understand why folding stars got so therapeutic -- but that's a whole other story to rant about.

I once promised myself that if I ever wrote notes to anyone, I'd give them to the people I wrote them to. Because that's the point of communication and all, isn't it? Except that caused a lot of problems before, so maybe that's why I stopped.

Anyway, I have a sort of collection now of notes and binder paper and printer paper with messages all over them. It's a pretty mismatched collection: there's a letter that I wrote in Bangkok, another one that I wrote on the back of a receipt, to name some of the more interesting ones. And those are just the ones that I wrote out by hand; there are also some blog posts and IM conversations that I can think of immediately, which were deleted or conveyed in a somewhat different manner to the people in question.

I don't think it's that I want to keep evil thoughts away from these people or anything. I feel like it's because when I write letters, I feel impassioned by the situation and by my own emotions, and that writing letters just to get my thoughts out is much more constructive than sitting there with a mass rush of indecipherable feelings. It's calming and its nice and its eye-opening.

Actually, that's not coming out the right way. Because that seems obvious.

Whatever, the concept of writing down feelings is age old. And that, I just realized, kind of renders this post pointless.

So I guess I'll mention why I'm bringing up letters in the first place. I wrote a pretty important letter today, explaining myself, and I don't really know if I should send it. Thus, I am conflicted.

Thus, nothing is new.

Back to homework I guess. I'm confusing myself.

P.S. Solomon, you know that brain was so perfect, and totally worth the patience and extra effort. Maximum extra credit available! I was good. Really good. :)

scalpels.

2009-03-10T11:20:00.001-07:00

Today I walked into Bio and saw scalpels on our lab tables.

Eeeek. Love.

And we dissected flowers, which was kind of... lame, except that I got to cut. !

Also I was good at it. It was a really good cut, and I'm not kidding. I split the entire thing in half, exactly down the middle, from the stigma to the end of the ovary. Which is hard when it's that small. Hooray me!

It's actually not that big of a deal. I know.

For memory's sake, the flowers were the same kind that G gave me! Mine were prettier colors though.

... okay, that's basically all for this post. It's 5th period, and I'm just excited I got to hold a scalpel. Especially since I went into the course knowing that there were no big dissections. It makes me miss my pig from freshman year.

I was also good at that. Ms. Lerner told me.

It also makes me think about next year.

But I will have lots of chances to do stuff like that later. And, it will be for real later on. I'm pretty determined.

Now I have to work. Real post later :)

on today.

2009-03-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

I went driving and out of nowhere, this teeny tiny dog ran out into the street. I think it was some sort of daschund. It was brown and back. It was the cutest thing ever. I was scared I was going to hit it though, because it was running around like crazy. It was yipping at me.

Yip, yip. Yip, yip, Tammy, yip yip.

I like how little things like that can make my day.

1. Today course selection forms were due. In case you wanted to know: AP Lit, AP Chem, AP Stats, AP Gov/Econ, Journo.

Thoughts on that:

Yes, I dropped French. I hope I don't regret it, but I might as the year goes on. It's weird but having a class where you don't speak English at all (well, at least 98% of the time) sometimes makes it feel less like a class. Relaxing. Plus, Mme. Gabet is a very good teacher. I think I will also definitely miss her funny stories, her hilarious expressions, and her snazzy outfits. Also her Carambars (eeek, E!), which are so fun to eat and we get at least once or twice a year. Also dialogues in a strange sense. Now I'm kind of sad.

Yes, I decided on AP Lit. I wonder if that will turn out to be a really bad decision. Unfortunately, I've already fallen in love with the book list (The Bluest Eye! Brave New World! The Stranger!) and also the idea of having a lit class that... requires studying. Does that sound weird? Not that lit classes before haven't required studying. Well. Not the studying that I feel like I'd enjoy doing for a booklist like this. :)

Yes, AP Chem. I will not regret this, because I resolve now that no matter what I do, Chem will be my favorite class next year. Well favorite core class. I will tell myself that I love it, until I actually fall in love with it, and be as good at it as I am at Bio, which is kind of pretty good, looking at my grades. That is not even an option, it's required. I hope I won't end up breaking down next year and regretting it. And wishing that I took Physio instead.

2. I totally had something to write here, and then I forgot.

Lit class is kind of getting exciting. P and I were totally set on doing Global Gag Rule for our unit project, even though Obama repealed it on January 23 (darn). We still can, but it'd be boring. But it's okay. The assignment is reminding me a lot of Policy, except that we don't need to back everything up and we're allowed to advocate plans that we know won't work. Well, it doesn't really say that. It's actually very, very fun. Mr. R is good.

Journalism was... I really don't want to use "intense" here, because that's such an inaccurate portrayal of what it was. Sometimes I feel so little in that class. I've learned so much this year, and am still learning so much, that it surprises me still.

4 in the morning - gwen stefani

2009-03-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

but it hurts when i think
when i let it sink in, it's all over me
i'm lyin' here in the dark
i'm watchin' you sleep, it hurts a lot

and all i know is
you've got to give me everything
nothing less 'cause
you know i give you all of me

i give you everything that i am
i'm handin' over everything that i've got
'cause i wanna have a really true love
don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

stay up till four in the mornin' and the tears are pourin'
and i want to make it worth the fight
what have we been doin' for all this time?
baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

oh please, you know what i need
save all your love up for me
we can't escape the love
give me everything you have

all i wanted was to know i'm safe
don't want to lose the love i've found
remember when you said that you would change
don't let me down

it's not fair how you are
i can't be complete, can you give me more?

in light of el estoque's survey on blogs, this is a post that will reveal too much, ft. length, depth, and incoherency.

2009-03-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Per the title, you might not want to read this. Usual disclaimers apply.

When Madame explains the plot of Candide, she moves her hands up and down, half-violently, like mimicking a wave. Up, down. Up and down. She says that Candide's life is like that, in an exaggerated way -- there are the high points of his life, and then there are the low points. It's exaggerated because almost every chapter has a climax, one that Voltaire can explain in less than 1500 words, that would take Steinbeck about 12 chapters to fully explore.

The first time she explained it that way, I didn't agree with her. I preferred to think of his life, with all of its challenges and obstacles, as another figure, a sort of coil. One that was filled with loops, but at the end of each loop, would return to the same general place, before starting another loop. Kind of like a slinky that's pulled apart. I liked the idea that anything can happen over the course of a day, or the course of a few days, but at the end of all the commotion, you just go back to normality. The idea that things don't change, that no matter what there's a certain consistency that you can always return to, that at the end of the day all you need is your metaphorical bed and your figurative stuffed animal and it's just all going to be okay. That you'll always have more problems -- but between the problems, things are what you know.

Of course, when I explained that, I said it in the terms of Candide. But it doesn't take much to psychoanalyze something like that.

Life doesn't usually prove me wrong, because I don't let it. I stick to the things I know because I need things to stay consistent. I'm not a consistent person, and inherently, I deal much better, emotionally, with situations when I don't have to think, don't have to plan, I just have to do. Unfortunately, those situations don't come around much. All the problems I've seen are the kinds that I have time to think, to obsess about. I hold onto things so that I can maintain some sense of internal familiarity.

Since February break ended, I'm seeing that it isn't working. As a result, I've watched a ridiculous amount of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice this week, when at normal times I'd be reading APUSH or catching up on Calc. Damnit, if these were normal times I wouldn't even be behind on math homework assignments in the first place. I've been convincing myself that I'm too tired to work, that it's past midnight and that it'd be better if I just went to bed, but then I just sit in bed and think about nothing, planning the minutest details in my life, like how I'll greet someone the next day, as I ignore the bigger picture, on purpose.

I've been talking to people who I know, deep down, can't stand me and can't bear talking to me. I've been doing it because I thought I needed that, the fact that I can guess their responses to the things I tell them. I understand the way they think, the way they would reply... and actually, it's just one person and there's no point in hiding that, so whatever.

And last night, things got worse. The important things, I mean.

Life is not consistent. Relationships fall apart. People get sick, and then they die. The things you know walk right out of your life, leaving you staring at everything going on, everything changing, leaving you sitting there, not able to form words, leaving you thinking nothing but "wait, what?!"

In these two weeks, I have learned more about my family history than I ever have in the rest of my 16-and-a-half years. I've learned more about Journalism than I ever could, if I had decided to think twice and not take on this story that I knew would, at some point, get me this hated by someone along the process. I have learned that when people don't work, they just don't work, and one-sided relationships are an example of that -- even if, in an alternative universe, or in the past, things would have been fine. I have learned that despite basically being born in Taiwan and having a huge amount of my childhood memories taking place in that environment, there are parts of Chinese culture that I will reject and despise and be hurt by for the rest of my life, as much as it hurts to say so.

I've learned that just by laughing and speaking bitterly about something, you can fool the majority of people into thinking that nothing is wrong.

Dark and twisty.

There has not been a "real post" on this blog for the longest time. There have been many drafts. Many deleted drafts. And the reason is simple -- while every day had its own climax, I realized that all the posts were sounding the same.

For the past two weeks, my life has been Candide's wave -- both the up and down, and the exaggeration. I now see that I was originally wrong in my interpretation of the plot. Things don't return to normalcy. Things don't go back to what they were.

Things get fixed, and life goes on. Life going on doesn't mean that it goes on like it used to. It goes on from where it came crashing down, and it builds up in a completely new direction.

For the past two weeks, I've seen so much good and felt so much niceness that I would have never seen had things not happen the way they did. I've known how great it feels, to have an editor that will help you out of a rut at 3 in the morning, and an adviser that will write a page-long email defending you after you've just been yelled at for the first time in your journalism life -- regardless of the fact that you could have maybe done something wrong somewhere in the process. I've known how great it feels to walk around in the rain, talking about nothing but at the same time really bonding with someone I would have never thought I'd get so close with. I've known what it's like for someone to spend time thinking about me, to do nice things for me, to not be rejected, to have supportive teammates who are also some of my best friends, and to be in a community that loves me. And I know that I have such great people around me, and that really... I should see that more.

I have so much to dread, but at the same time, I cannot forget that I have so much to look forward to.

So yes. I have family/medical problems, I have grade problems, I have social problems. They are all extremely important. I don't have enough time, and I feel like I'm suffocating. But I also have amazing people in my life.

I guess it's weird to post about this now, but I want to remember. Things aren't getting better anytime soon, they're going to get worse. The doctors have told us that. People that I have nothing to say to anymore, that don't want anything to do with me anymore, tell me that. That you can remember the past, but in the present it means nothing.

So Tammy, here it is: just because things don't stop changing, doesn't mean that there isn't security in that bed and stuffed animal. There is. Maybe change is where the security is. I can take care of myself, but in the split second that I might fall apart, there are good people around me, that I know and love and appreciate. They won't carry me on their backs, and I don't expect them to. But I can indulge in the thought that there are places where I can be bright and shiny instead of dark and twisty, and that's the best.

Thanks, Mer, for lending me your words, by the way.

edit: I wouldn't be myself if I could live with such a deep post staying deep. It's gotta go down to the bottom of the ladder at some point, says Roy Peter Clark. So my favorite Girl Scout cookies are the shortbread kind now, even though I used to hate them in elementary school. I eat them with coffee, it makes me feel sophisticated. Plus, I don't follow ABDC so I just discovered Quest Crew. They do a nice routine to Chris Brown's Forever. And on that thought, I don't understand what Rihanna is thinking, getting back together?! It's one thing to like the music and another to love the man. Just like I'll always appreciate Michael Phelps' athletic ability and perseverance, but that doesn't mean I don't look down on him for his smoking stint.

Smoking... that brings things back into frustrated-memory-land.

I'm an avoider, and I think everyone knows what that means by now.

Anyway, that was a nice outlet. If you read this entire thing... You were warned, and I love you! Tammy signing off.

edit again: I guess it's time to give up the whole, "let's be friends" thing. People can't be friends if they're intent on rejecting the other person. If he's intent on rejecting me. So I'm sad, but I give up -- it's been years of nothing changing, not budging an inch. So. I never forget things, but now I hope I can forget.

I just wanted that little bit, that one inch. He couldn't even hit a button in good conscience, and I have to remember that, because having lived this for three years, nothing will change. Remember until I forget, oh the irony.

If only it wasn't so goddamn humiliating along with it all.

congrats online!

2009-03-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

El Estoque Online 08-09 was named a Pacemaker finalist!

It's so exciting that in its first real year, the website is already this respected. MAJOR PROPS to everyone on Online staff! I see them all the time working as I'm doing my page, and they're playing with Flash and doing things with sound and pictures and video on programs I don't even know the names of. Good job :)

And go check them out: elestoque.org

Also, today Ms. B held a meeting for people interested in sports. If you are, you should definitely apply for Journalism! Through all the panicking and late nights and issues with sources, and no matter where I get (or where I don't get), it's definitely one of the best decisions I made last year. And I don't mean that lightly -- there are times in which I feel like without this community and without late nights, my priorities and my personality and my confidence in trying new things would be so, so different right now. Plus writing and interviewing skills, but I guess that's a given. Talk to me if you want a more in-depth perspective :)

ooc-ness. (or, edit: lessons from this cycle, tbc)

2009-03-02T02:39:00.000-08:00

[post pending, because i can't really think now --]

i really like journalism and i don't know what i'm doing. this feels surreal. maybe its because its way early in the morning.

edit: Thanks. :)

I think I'll save this post for after production/distribution to write.

scattered experiences.

2009-03-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

1. My hair.

When I wrote about my 25 in an earlier blog post, I most definitely did have long hair. Now I have short hair. Extremely short hair. I cut off over 12 inches and donated it (well actually, the lady mailed it for me). It's longer in the front and gets shorter in the back. It's very very very short. While I was in the salon, she showed me how to dry my hair by tugging on it gently so that it would curl gently inward toward my face, which was really cute and kind of made me look like a 5 year old. Just a bit. I've stopped doing that for a while, though, as of last night, because I realized that the "natural curl" she was trying to hide by tugging on it when blowdrying was actually making my hair look longer. So we'll just try this for now.

You know in movies, when girls get caught up in like cat fights and start doing things like dying each others' hair or dipping ends in glue or things like that? Guys never seem to understand how that could be mortifying, and the thing is, I never could either. I always thought it was the most superficial kind of prank to pull, and I had no respect for characters in movies that fell for that. I still don't, but maybe now I can understand a little bit.

I didn't start bawling or anything when she cut the first bunch of it off, but I did motion toward my eye subconsciously like I was wiping away a tear. Now that I think about it, this sounds ridiculous -- but the thing is, it's really weird when in less than a second, something that's been a part of you for well over a year and a half is just gone. It's weird thinking that I won't have really, nice long hair for my senior portrait, or that I could curl for formals, like I've always wanted to.

But it's okay. Life is just as much about letting things go as it is about working for what we want.

And besides, I've always wanted to donate my hair, and high school actually seems like a pretty good time to do that. And best wishes to the low-income little girl (or guy?) that gets my (processed?) hair <3

Oh, and to the person that shook his head and told me I cut off too much before walking away, I hope you know that it's really none of your business. And way to be an unsupportive jerk. But that's not important.

2. Anger.

I was really mean on Friday to someone who, in hindsight, was probably just trying to help. And now I feel extremely guilty. If I could apologize, I would. But now I probably won't see him again.

It's funny how different cultures are so... different in terms of what is socially acceptable. What would outrage parents here would probably be applauded by them in another country. Now, it's probably my fault for not understanding the intent behind the words.

This is too complicated to write about. I just hope that he understands.

3. Computer.

My laptop is not working and I don't know why, it's very frustrating and I realize how dependent I am on it now but I just REALLY REALLY REALLY don't like things that I take for granted (ish?) disappearing. Also because only some of my stuff is backed up, and I really need to be able to access ALL of it, just in case, and it'd be nice to have all my bits of and pieces of pictures and quotes and links and clips and things that I've collected throughout the time that I've had this computer so, yes, it's frustrating. Also, and more importantly, because I need Office 2007 and I don't have it. Also because I don't even know what caused this problem, but it's definitely a problem and anyway I don't know when I'll have it back.

I guess it's not the end of the world, since everything has been fine for a few days, and very happily too. However I think I've just had my own computer for so long, sitting on my desk and un-virused (or whatever this problem is) that it's just been took easy to look stuff up, to check my email, etc.

Whenever I do scattered posts like this, I always write less and less and it's not aesthetically appealing at all.

4. I hate messy feelings. You know?

"Yeah, but you're all dark and twisty inside."
-- Christina, Grey's Anatomy

pudding and mashed potatoes...

2009-02-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

Okay so I hate rereading messy posts about my emotions and stuff. So while brainstorming about what to write today (usually I don't have to but my life right now is sorely handicapped) I thought of anything that could push the topic down in the line of posts. So basically. Today we are talking about food.

But not yummy, exciting food.

Food that I am eating.

Which happens to be primarily pudding and mashed potatoes, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Good thing that I actually happen to like those foods, right? (:

Also thin, broth-like soup and porridge, which can be yummy or not depending on how quickly you get bored of things.

Okay, well that's kind of all about foods. I don't know.

Life since I got my wisdom teeth taken out has been... unsatisfying. I'm a bad patient I think. I don't take my pills until I feel like it, meaning that I take them but only after wondering why I feel pain for an hour. I can't really stay in bed for too long, because it's boring. So I get up and walk around and I always end up doing something like spinning around in circles or something which obviously makes me dizzy (not like pills aren't doing that already) and also makes bleeding start for a little while after again. Haha, you'd think that after I've been sick for so long and so frequently I'd get the drill by now, and maybe I have... but who wants to stay in bed for 18 hours a day? Sigh.

Okay this post is losing meaning, so goodbye! Break ends today. How sad, I still have lots of homework.

i wrote this entire post... (aka, teenage angst, but if you roll your eyes at it like a certain someone does, it will kill me.)

2009-02-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

... but I'm not going to publish it. I'll explain why below.

Except, first...

FBLA, sorry for crashing your meeting. Trust me, it wasn't because I was craving your attention or anything like that. I'm kind of really, thoroughly and completely, embarrassed now, and I feel very useless. I also don't know how to face a lot of you anymore. But again, I didn't run in because I felt like "feeling like I was in the officer team" or anything like that. It's actually embarassing enough to surround myself with officers, but not be one myself -- but I never thought you guys actually really cared about that. Actually, I also thought you guys knew I wouldn't do anything like that, so... some of your looks kind of hurt today. But, I guess I should have noticed that it was a meeting before I barged in like that. Sorry.

I guess that's all.

When Ms. B first describes Journalism to us, she used a lot of really cute and easy-to-remember phrases. The one I remember the most, randomly, is the one where she described people writing lots of drafts: "Some people are naturally really good with words, so they maybe just do three drafts and they're done. For other people, they're not as fluent, or they're missing a point of view, or something else. They might do five, six, seven drafts, getting their work kicked back, revised, kicked back, revised, kicked back, until we feel it's ready to be published."

Kicked back, kicked back, kicked back.

That's kind of what I did with this blog post. I wrote it, then didn't publish because it was too filled with hurt. I wrote it again, then didn't publish because, in an effort to sound less hurt, I was too defensive. I wrote it again, then didn't publish because Firefox decided to crash. So this is the fourth time I've written a post today.

And now its stripped down to the bones, and a lot of the main stuff that I was upset about isn't even in here anymore. Instead it seems like I'm really pissed off about FBLA, when it's the complete opposite of that -- it's just the FBLA's the only group that I feel I actually owe an apology too.

Of course, the people, on the other hand...

I feel like that's kind of sad for a blog, that's supposed to be an outlet. And everything that's outlet-y is saved as a draft.

But otherwise, I don't really know what to do.

Quote from my first post:

"Since I started this blog, this is the first time I've felt this way, and even now I'm not proud about it.
But sometimes, I feel like I need a place to rant about people. Not about things, but about people."

And to those that cared about me, and were there for me, and loved me -- I really cannot thank you enough.
But I can try. Thank you.

This really is like a choppy version of my first post. Angst-y mess. I hate emotions.

#26. Number twenty-six.

Do you know what I'm talking about? If not, don't worry about it.
If so, are you mentioned in it?
And if you are, you probably see that something is very not-clear and hidden about this post. So if you do. Ask. I'll let you see them. The real ones. Because I feel like I need to share. I really need to share.

naked.

2009-02-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

Whenever I go to the DMV, I have this habit of getting out of the car, and immediately scanning the area for... how should I put this... Okay, I don't really know. Just really cute guys. (This could be #27 on my 25 list.) It's only the DMV, for some reason. At other times, I really could care less. Something about seeing a person once in your entire life, and then not having it matter at all anymore after that. Most of the time I do see them, too. It's like an awkward-teenage twist on people watching, I think. I like people watching too, for that matter. Just not there. Oh, how tangential. Anyway.

Today, I did see a cute guy, but that is not why I'm writing about this. Today I saw someone else that was more exciting of my cute-guy-of-the-day. I saw a source for my journalism story.

(From now on, I will be very discreet about the identity of this person so that I do not cause spoilers for the next paper. So Journalism people can relax, or yell at me if I'm revealing too much.)

Which is, given the nature of this person, kind of interesting. What bothers me though, is that I hypothetically could have had access to a pretty important source who could have been (maybe) with the person I saw, but instead of trying to investigate, I left, like I was planning to. I'm trying to figure out if that was a good thing or not.

In my head, I decided that I could always just call this person and use our encounter at the DMV as a conversation starter and perhaps get the information I needed through phone. But I know that's not ideal.

But at the same time, where can I intrude up to? I think this is why I find it so much easier to write stories in which your sources have roles. They are members of administration. They are club presidents. They are soccer coaches or star basketball players. They are good at knitting. Because then, the lens of the microscope is only zoomed in up to a point. Your source is wearing a layer of clothing, and that defines the role that they play in your story.

For this particular story, I came out of my first interview knowing exactly where I wanted it to go. But every time I tried to write it, I couldn't figure out how to put it into words.

The difference for me, this time, is that my sources are not wearing that layer of clothing that defines their role. They are instead tatooed with an identity. I am interviewing them as they are naked. And that scares me. Because the more honest they are with me, the more I want to tell this story the right way. Yet whenever I try, it comes across as something that I know it is not.

Also, the more honest they are with me, the more I want to respect them as people. And so instances like today, I feel hesitant to chase after in the parking lot, going by every car until I finally find the one they, potentially, could be sitting in. I thought that might be going overboard, because I didn't even know if the person I needed was with the person I saw. So I didn't. But if this story fails because of that, then I don't know what to do.

I feel like there's more but I don't know how to say it.

This post kind of reminds me of one that S wrote a while ago, and that occurred to me before I started writing this. But I decided to write it anyway, because I think I kind of understand what she meant when she was writing earlier.

edit: Oh, by the way. I was not at the DMV to take my driving test. So, I have not failed that yet (in case you were wondering why I am not happily broadcasting that I got my license)! I'm sure another DMV related post will come within the month, though. Oh, and the cute boy I saw today was taking his drive test. That is all.

bao bei.

2009-02-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This is hard to read. I don't think it will make sense. Basically I got a new phone and these are my thoughts on what happened. So yeah.

I don't know how to write this post. I really don't. I wrote so much of it, and then deleted it all.

A lot of it was family heritage, and background, that I think I would feel comfortable sharing, but not online and not in a blog like this. Because a lot of it is extremely personal. So I think that I might transfer that to a notebook instead.

Long story short, my parents came from poverty, and turned their lives into something. I feel like a lot of us, who are first generation Americans, are like this. But maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I do realize that this was a very quick and seemingly pointless way of putting it, but I stress poverty with the most meaning you can put into a word. All the stuff I deleted was describing their childhood situation, which, again, I will save and share on a personal basis, maybe to only one person in the entire world, the guy that I have yet to meet. And then to my kids, if I ever have kids. Or maybe someday, when I'm more comfortable with broadcasting my life, I'll rewrite this entry. Because I definitely thought about this for a long time to make it worth doing that.

That was very flustered. Anyway.

Today, well this month, my 2 year cell phone plan expired. So I got the opportunity to get a new one. And wow was that an adventure.

To be honest, I was looking forward to this for the longest time. I had my phone picked out four months ago. No joke. I was super excited. Before I left the house today, I had a conversation with E about probably ending up getting a standard phone, and she said, "No, get a cool one!" And inside I agreed. I wanted a cool one.

I did not get my cool phone. Or the one I was considering as backup.

Instead, I got one that was not as pretty, and not as customizable, was not as versatile, did not have the figure and shape I wanted, and added a lot less money to my plan, money that my mom had said, when K got his new phone, could be added. Nevertheless, I love it and it is now my baby, just as my old one was.

But today. Today, I am not happy with myself.

I am sure that the lady at the counter felt broken-hearted when my face fell, after she told me what the free phones were, and what the cheapest ones after that were. I think it must be hard to work that job, telling loyal customers that the phones they really wanted cost a ton of additional money. I think she must have felt really bad, while she was trying to help me decide what to get, knowing that while I tried to look like I was interested in what she was saying, I was really only interested in something that she couldn't offer me.

I'm sure that my dad was sad after seeing me so disappointed, when we realized that the phone I wanted was no longer on promotion and was going to cost its original price, well over 100 additional dollars to get, and that we just weren't going to do that. I know he felt guilty that I wasn't as excited for this as when I left the car, watching me stand awkwardly at the counter, looking at the space between the cell phones instead of the phones themselves.

But now, I am glad. I am content. This phone does not have a QWERTY keyboard, or that keypad I wanted. It is not the color I wanted. It does not have the size or shape or form or graphics or functionalities that I originally thought I was going to get. But, as I said, now it is now my baby.

Long and confusing story short, do not clamor to see my new phone in hopes that you'll see something new and exciting. You probably will be disappointed. And I really am sorry to all those that gave me advice as to what I should get. But you know what? It has all your numbers in it, and it will be used to have long and hopefully enjoyable conversations with some of you. And at the end of the day, that is what a cell phone is for. So I am not disappointed, and you shouldn't be either. :)

Also, my phone has a sunset on the main display and a sunrise on the front display. <3! It really is my baby.

---

I am now done with this post and rereading. And certain things pop into my head.
1. This is not organized. At all. I repeat phrases and stuff.
2. I could have just written a post saying "I got a new phone, guys!" and the feeling would have been entirely different. I guess it would have also not encompassed anything I felt or thought about today. It still doesn't though. Because a lot of it is stuff that I felt like I couldn't say. I think I will write a disclaimer for this post too.
3. My phone has the longest battery life, ever... it's going to last the entire night and I still haven't charged it since I got it. Also, I'm going to go to Hilltop soon. I can finally get that thing I've wanted forever.

lovely facebook things.

2009-02-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

Today was a really, really rough day.
Thanks, J, for everything ♥ you are amazing and I love you (and your parents a lot).

But I need to get things off my head.
I've gotten tagged in a few of these already, but I don't really feel like making a whole not on Facebook for it. So maybe one day I'll actually post this up, and tag people, but for now this is okay.

My 25 things:

1. Beginnings are hard for me. Unless I already have thoughts running through my head, my leads are always un-proportionally sucky compared to the rest of my stories. Though I like the look of them, I hate starting new notebooks (how many pages should I leave for a ToC? How should I head it? Should I use black pen or blue pen or pencil?). If I wanted to psycoanalyze this, I would say it stems from me hating the pressure involved with setting a precedent for something that I don't yet have complete control over... but you know me and I'm not like that! Winkwinkwinkwinkwink. ;)

2. I absolutely cannot work in a room with a door that is half-opened, half-closed, especially if I am not facing the door. Doors that are not completely opened or closed happen to be a huge, huge pet peeve. But if the door is not in my immediate line of sight and I know that it is halfway opened, then I go crazy. Most of the time, regardless of where I am, I will close it.

3. For the first 30 minutes when I've just woken up in the morning, I am not myself. I talk ridiculously; someone once told me that when I pick up the phone in my not-completely-awake state, I answer with this: asdkfj;askdf;aklsdjf;kds (<-- yeah, that). I also tend to be very mad for no reason, or very in love with the world around me. Or exceedingly confused. It is always an extreme.

4. I cannot ride a bike, and I know that is embarassing. I fear for myself if I end up going to a huge campus for college. C, R, I, K, E, and others have all promised to teach me (C promised in like 6th grade, that was the earliest) and I have yet to see it actually happen! :)

5. I also cannot knit/crochet proficiently, and I've wanted to learn how forever. I think tense people like me need stuff like that. Teach me!

6. I do not have a middle name. Once, when I was in third grade, my brother and I decided that this was a problem. So we went home and reintroduced ourselves to our mom: me as Tammy HelloKitty Su, and my brother as Kevin Charmander Su.

7. Speaking of elementary school. I have the longest crushes in the world. See how I have cleverly hid this fact among other ones. Anyway, I do, and anyone that even remotely knows me has heard of at least one of the three big ones. This is something that I would like to change. Not that it's under my own control, or anything.

8. I cry at everything. Most of the time, its because something is so cute or so touching or so unfair or something. Sometimes it means something. But don't worry, because I get over it. :)

9. If it comes to it, I get mad quickly, and I get over things quickly. Unless you're a jerk while I'm trying to forgive. Then I tend to be mad longer. Obviously. Going along with that, while I'll forgive, I rarely forget. Know that if it seems like I've forgotten, it's most likely because I'm turning a blind eye.

10. I believe that there is a difference between people who attract drama and people who create drama. I think I've had my part in both -- but when I create drama, at least it's my own drama. Though I might kid about it, I never actually play with other people's lives, and definitey not without their permission.

11. I lived in Taiwan for a little over two years when I was very little, and I started swimming when I was almost 6. My asthma is related to both of these topics.

12. When I was at my peak in swimming, I used to crave pineapple-y things in the middle of almost every practice. Recently, while doing homework, I have started to crave cupcakes (not too surprising, though). Oh, how times have changed.

13. My hair is long. At first, it was because I genuinely wanted long hair for a change. Then, after it got reasonably long, I decided to plan on donating it, so I then avoided getting it cut for a while so that when I did cut of 10 inches, I'd still have hair left. Now, I'm just waiting for my aunt from Taiwan to visit so that she can advise me on hairstyles.

14. If you watch me, I bounce around a lot on my heels and toes. This means I am nervous. When I'm nervous, I also bite my nails, and put my hands on my face covering my cheeks. As A rightly said, I am very tense.

15. I do not know why I am so tense nowadays. I was never like this before. Actually, I can take a guess as to why. But I do not like this reason, so whatever.

16. Chocolate is love, but for me, it is not romantic. Flowers, notes/cards, and balloons would probably be much more preferred. Then again, I buy chocolate for other people all the time.

17. Rain... is a lot of things. I like being warm in bed, after having just been wet, while rain is thump-thumping on the walls around me so I can hear it, but not get wet. Did that make sense?

18. #17 reminds me of the kiss on the forehead, and Titanic. If that did not make sense to you, I am not explaining, I made that mistake before. It's all about that eight letter word.

19. I don't know when this list became focused on the love aspect of my life, but I guess that is a good example of how my thoughts always return to the same place.

20. I miss Taiwan. There's so much I can say about it, that I don't think this post would justify it. So I'll save it. And for that matter, I miss Thailand too. But that's for reasons entirely different.

21. I. Don't. Get. Candide. Voltaire is currently confusing the heck out of me, mainly because I need to review my grammar and so I don't really get what he's saying.

22. I really really like eating at restaurants with friends. I also love exploring museums, amusement and theme parks with them. And zoos. And cities, I guess. And other things like that. I know these are things that generally sound fun, but I really like them. As in, perfect date status. :)

23. At the same time, I love love love watching DVDs, or TV shows on my laptop. Because then I can huddle in my warm bed and it's the best feeling in the world. That is perfect date status too. Oh, a girl can dream.

24. When we go to FBLA conferences, I started this tradition with J of buying a really risque magazine sometime during the trip. I also always bring my own instant noodles, and my Tzu Chi bowl to cook it in (so usually I'm one of the only people from MV that know how to use a coffee maker, and also one of the only people to throw a tantrum if we don't have coffee makers) and so far at nationals for both years, the guys' room has had to have been Febreze-ed. Love those traditions.

25. I look my best after I have recently cried (not while I'm crying, then I'm just a mess), while in the shower (we have this mirror thing, and I have seriously considered taking pictures of my face in it before thinking about the implications) and between the hours of 11:00PM-1:00AM. Soo... yeah.

That was slightly fun, but also kind of pointless. I did realize that I like to explain/talk/discuss a lot. Because each of my points is like a mini-rant.
Oh well, that's why I posted here in the first place. Goodbye!

edit: Since I was being all reflective and all, I thought this would be important.

26. I'm an avoider. I never act how I want people to think of me. I never express my emotions through words correctly. But you know what? The people that know me best, the people that know all of me, can still read me. Behind the facade (which sometimes is a lot stronger than it is at other times) they can still see the hurt, or the jealousy, or the confusion. Or the flip side, they can see the excitement and estatic-ness that I try to tone down. So, I love them, and I don't know what I'd do without them.

a bit of sugary sweetness?

2009-02-10T23:25:00.001-08:00

BizPlan bootcamp (50 hours! A's math) was intense this weekend. And more productive than I thought :) My closet doors / mirrors became our whiteboards, so I had to erase my derivative stuff from before. But it's okay! I still have our meeting minutes up right now, actually. Picture-taking ensued after A and E (dominATE!) left, but they all came out funny because I cannot take pictures. Anyway.

And now I am bored of posting pictures. So I'm going to stop.
Why am I like completely short-attention-span tonight.

Anyway, loveliness. That was, again, intense. I'm sure I sound very bland and dull.

Random cool things that I am thinking about:
- Jasmine pearl milk tea.
- Mirrors.
- Promises of cupcakes. And shirts. WHEN?
- Bed. Is warm. And nice to work on, kind of.
- My room, which went from completely trashed to OCD organized in 15 minutes on Sunday.

Other exciting point of the weekend: something happened when I took my sister to Jack in the Box to buy her lunch. But I'm keeping that to myself, because it's just one of those things, where you don't really want anyone to know, or comment, or whatever, because well, you just don't, and you don't want people to know why you don't want them to know either.

I'm just mentioning it so that I don't forget some day.

Yup, that was my weekend. Now I am stressed. Report for BizPlan due date and Job Fair for AE are on Friday. And other ridiculousness, because it is the week before break. Wow, please help me stay sane.

Reminder to self: write about journalism sometime soon. Haven't decided if that should be public though.

our generation needs to find a way to bottle sleep.

2009-02-06T00:07:00.000-08:00

I know there are Red Bulls, and Monsters, and Rock Stars (!!) and I love coffee, but that's not what I want.

I don't need that kick of energy. I can stay up myself, usually.

At 2:30 AM, what I want is contentment and security. The kind that I can usually only get with the knowledge that I'll be spending some quality time with my pillow and blanket.

And so if anyone figures out a way to capture that, sometime in the future...

long overdue / commitment --

2009-02-05T00:13:00.000-08:00

I started writing a post as soon as I got home from the MV vs. Lynbrook game / late night last Friday, and that post stayed in draft form for five days until I realized that I was never going to finish it.

Perhaps it was because I'm never good at making praise sound sophisticated, or even understandable, and so I was very frustrated with what I had intended to post. Mainly because it never actually got written in its entirety.

The main point of that had to do with the pride I felt for MV and our basketball team, but also for the school spirit that night: YAY VARSITY BOYS, YAY MV, YAY BULLSPIRIT! (Also, see El Estoque, both print and online for game related stuff, in case you haven't already.)

So anyway, I think its kind of funny that for the entire week, I had so many things to want to write about, but never got the chance because I thought I was too busy. And somehow, I think tonight is a good night to blog, where in reality, I have a math test that I haven't started studying for, bio problem set/flash cards/AP review/extra credit lab to work on, a persuasive letter for lit (which will probably be graded like an essay) to write for tomorrow which at this point will probably be written during 5th period, reading quiz on The Jungle tomorrow -- of course, on chapters I've only half read -- and an FRQ on Friday and a research paperish thing due on Friday (gotta love APUSH at times like these), and BizPlan, which is a whole story unto itself.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Oh yeah, plus French that I haven't studied for either. Which I should probably do, because Mme. very nicely and eloquently told us on Monday that there was absolutely no method to the madness of prepositions for the infinitive and that we'd have to just suck it up and memorize the entire verb list, cold. Plus more, because she likes to test things not on the study sheets she gives us, so that amounts to oh, just about every French verb that we've learned since French 1.

Really have to hand it to you, Tammy, good time management.

I think the reason why I'm attempting to write about something is because I know how horrible I am about committing to things like this. I was thinking the other day about exactly why I have a blog. When you go back and read my first post, I'm sure that it comes off as a very promising and deep beginning, indeed. For those without the patience or time, I basically started doing this because I was bored one night at 4:00AM (I guess that's morning) and I couldn't fall alseep because of the rain and so somehow that logic prompted me to start blogging.

But I guess I've started seeing this as a good thing. And something that I should do more, because I ultimately know that I like to look back and reflect, and hold myself to things for the future, and just revel in the present.

That. Sounded funny.

Anyway, the other reason is that whenever I tell myself that I'm going to do something in a public place, I feel like it gives me a lot more pressure not to slip and think, "screw it, whatever." Even if there's no one on the other side, it's kind of like making a commitment to someone else.

And so long story short, this is good for me.

So, here's my commitment: No more thinking on things that don't matter, on getting too attached, to that crazy emotional level that no one else seems to know. Specifically, no more not knowing how to say no to casual things, or worrying about what people will think after I do say no, or anticipating severly disappointed expressions that terrorize me and end up making me apologetic for about a billion things, about 10 of which are actually sorry-worthy.

There's a story to go with this promise, but I'm sure it will come out in the next few days (probably over the weekend or Friday night) so I'll save it for then.

For now, I'm going to go study for my math test. And not do any other homework that I haven't already done, and I'm going to try not to feel guilty about it. Because that's what late passes are for, to quote Ms. F (said with an extremely concerned expression, probably brought on by the over-apologetic and slightly frantic one that my face was probably sporting) the first time I didn't have my bio readings done.

embarrassing-ness.

2009-01-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in Lit, I had a little breakdown.

Sorry to anyone that had to see that.

I don't think I made a scene though. But I'm sure that, although I just sat at my desk quietly and outlined my picture some people probably saw me crying my eyes out. So yeah, sorry about making that extremely awkward.

Nothing heartbreaking happened, or anything like that.

This post makes me sound like a little child that doesn't belong in high school, doesn't it? That's kind of depressing. And awkward. I'm getting worse at this "expressing myself" thing.

I started to post about what got me so upset, but then I realized that: 1) I couldn't pinpoint the exact reason, because there was definitely more to it than what happened in Lit, and 2) when I started talking about what happened in Lit, I went on a mad rant about my changing life that was over-dramatized and extremely incoherent.

This makes me think that my entire problem is simply stress. That's why I can't even evaluate things properly.

Anyway, I promise this won't be a trend.

I think I need to go running more often.

i can enjoy this french news thing, je pense!

2009-01-28T23:02:00.000-08:00

Was that tacky, two languages in one line?

Not at all! Because French is love (sometimes).

So yesterday in 1st, Madame had this cool idea of using block day to do something new - watch the news in French. (That is such an awkward sentence, because it rhymes like in 5 different consecutive places. Why am I doing this hyper-active-childish-critique of my own writing today? I don't know.) I was pleasantly surprised with how much I actually could understand.

--- Okay, so originally when I was planning on how to write this (confession: I sometimes -- rarely though, because of my lack of patience -- plan out how I write my entries) I was going to do one of those writing tools that B taught us when I was still in Writing for Pub, where you "establish a pattern and give it a twist" or maybe it was another tool similar to that. Well I was going to list out the two boring news stories we watched first, before going to the one I wanted to talk about, and then making a big deal out of that one. But I don't have the patience for that today.

So here, without further ado, meet Nujood Ali.
Or if you already have, then think back on her story and become moved by it again.

Isn't she cute?

She is 10 years old, and was married. Until, that is, she got divorced.

This story was printed by CNN (and other news corporations) in the middle of last year, but I never knew of this little girl's story or existence until we watched the news in class and my jaw dropped, very embarrassingly literally.

STORY for those that don't know: Nujood Ali, 10, was forced by her impoverished parents to marry a man that was over 30 years old. She claims that he "beat her and forced her to have sex." One day she appeared in court and told the judge that she came to get a divorce, to which he supposedly replied, "You're married?"

And rightly so...

I know that I have a soft spot for kids younger than me, things littler than me, whatever. People always tell me that my voice changes when I talk to little kids, and last summer my inability to yell with an aggravated voice at our kids was the running joke between my fellow YouTiao TAs.

But regardless! When I saw this, I was really pissed off. Then I was really sad, because I know (perhaps too well) that poverty causes people to do drastic things. I know that the instinct is to blame the parents, but maybe the parents aren't to blame. Maybe it really, really was the last option. What they did definitely wasn't right, though. But ultimately, I'm glad that she had the courage, as just a child, to go out against her society's preconceived beliefs (in Yemen, kids can be legally married extremely young, and it's an expectation to remain submissive to the husband) and realize that she shouldn't have to tolerate abuse.

I know I'm not conveying this right, but maybe the reason why I got so emotional was beacuse she's only about a year older than my own little sister.

Madame assigned a similar thing for homework - French news - and so as I was doing that the first story was extremely exciting too -- the lady at Kaiser Permanente that recently gave birth to octuplets. I was about to take a screenshot of the newborns and post that, but that might actually gross people out (though I was just super excited! I think this medical career thing might actually be a real option) and I guess its unfair to do that without warning people.

So instead here's a comparatively boring picture of some doctors at Kaiser:

But if this was the first time you've heard about that, then definitely go search it up and read about it! Very interesting.

Lots of other work to do (reading...), so that's all for now!

two points.

2009-01-22T00:36:00.000-08:00

DISCALIMER: (This doesn't make any sense right now, but it will.) This post is about the importance of money. So let's get this super super straight right now: Don't worry, I'm not cutthroat. I bet I'm over-dramatizing this. Oh well, if you're reading this, you know me, and don't change your opinion/sense of me on a single blog post. (: I don't think about this issue 24/7. I'm beating this over the head and making it seem like a bigger deal than it is, but it's only because I know it might be contrary to what other people think. I'm NOT out to steal all your wallets. Or deprive you of birthday presents, or hold out on lending a friend money. Or golddig - you can rest assured that if I like you, it's because of who you are. I am definitely not as obsessed as this entry is making me out to be, so yeah. I'm writing this disclaimer because I failed to make this less extreme as an isolated topic. I guess money matters need to be mixed with more politically correct things. ><"

Faria has a band now. It's really cool, actually. None of the kids play too well, but they all enjoy it. My sister plays the flute.

Today at dinner, in the middle of her flute-stories-induced happiness, she asked a question in her third grade cutely-phrased style.
"Would you rather lose all of your money and be able to play flute, or would you rather keep all of your money and not play flute and be selfish and greedy? I know what I would pick!"
I told her, without thinking, that I would rather keep all of my money.
She gasped. "But then you would be selfish and greedy!"
She paused and then offered her opinion: "I would rather play flute."
That earned her a smile from my mom and a pat on the forehead from me.

... Ever since I was little (this makes me sound so old), I've always had this very strong concept of the importance of money. My parents weren't stingy. Whenever I went to a friend's house, they still provided me with a box of chocolates or cookies to bring to the hostess's mother. We donated to causes, they threw me birthday parties, and whatnot. But even above all that, I can remember distinctly my dad telling my elementary-school-aged self: "Tammy, never forget, money isn't the most important thing in the world, but it is important. You can't buy everything with it, but if you have it, you, at least, will always be able to look out for yourself."

When I was 10 years old, my dad rented the movie John Q and we watched it during our (then) weekly movie night. I think it was my first PG-13 movie, and I remember thinking that if all "grown up" movies were like this, I was never going to stop watching Pokemon. It wasn't that it scared me; it was that I was so emotionally hurt.

Essentially, what happens is that John loses his job as a truck-driver after a near accident, and around the same time his son's tragic heart problem surfaces. His son needs a transplant, but they don't have health insurance, and also there's a long waiting list. Basically, John is driven further and further, without money or resources, to the point of holding doctors at gunpoint to move his son up the list and holding the hospital hostage to force doctors to perform the surgery. (Apparently it got pretty bad ratings though, so I'm not sure that this is a recommendation to see the movie.)

I started bawling half way through. I remember thinking, how could a man who simply wanted to help his son really be driven to the point of felony? And, how come an innocent boy like that have absolutely no help in this world? It wasn't his fault that his parents didn't have money or educations. It wasn't their fault either.

That night, my mom basically reiterated what my dad had told me all along - it's not that money is super super super significant, but it is true that with money, there are certain situations that a person never has to worry about getting into. She said that this was why my Aunt W always worked so hard to get my cousins J and J to get good grades in school and do a million extracurriculars, so that they could get into good colleges and never have to worry about some darker aspects of life. She said she wanted to do that for me too, but she also wanted me to be happy.

I know she didn't mean it to, but I think that conversation started off a chain of events that ultimately changed who I was as a person. I know that I'm emotional, that I empathize almost too well sometimes, and that I'm compassionate. But since then, I saw a new goal for myself that I wanted - I never wanted for myself to see that aspect of life either.

That ultimately transformed into my wanting to go the corporate way in life. The first thing I ever wanted to be was a nurse, and then a doctor, but suddenly, I stopped obsessing over wanting to help others. I saw myself in skirts and heels, sitting in conference rooms full of colleagues and drinking stone-cold coffee with file folders littered around the table. I saw myself working hard - sweet-talking clients, delivering mind-blowing presentations. And of course, I saw myself earning a salary with quite a few zeros at the end of the day.

I don't regret having that conversation with my mom or those talks with my dad, nor do I think that I was covering up a part of me or trying to be someone else when all I wanted to study and become was business. I think that it was a perspective that gave me new insight into life, something that's very important when you're little. It changed me in a way that I'm definitely glad I was changed. I like this self. I wouldn't be myself otherwise.

I'm Tammy. Money is definitely a consideration. I save and spend responsibly. I use coupons and free offers. I pass up little things like scarves or necklaces so that I can buy books and iPods. I currently have 3 change/money saving containers in my bedroom: a "bamboo" bank for Tzu Chi, a metal bucket (from J for Christmas!) for spending money for New York next year, and a piggy bank for all my miscellaneous change. Oh, and a bank account of course. But the jars are so that I can immediately break up my money, so that I don't forget for later.

But, now I know it's not just about the money. Maybe it was never about the money. It's about discipline, and responsibility, and integrity. And there's always the part about knowing what's important. Family will always come first, and things like that.

So, and I don't know what it is, maybe just me being a ditzy teenager fantasizing about later life, but recently, my dream has changed a little. Right now, I don't really see the boardrooms and PowerPoint presentations. Instead, I see newborn babies. Scalpels and gauze. I see overhead lights, MRIs, stethoscopes, IVs. Pulling all-nighters and facing cadavers in school, all so that I can one day run labs and work inhuman shifts in hospitals.

I know it's jumping from one loaded career dream to another, but I think it's more than that. I think this better encompasses the part of me that wants to help other people than business could. That instinct that compelled me to take my first First Aid/CPR class when I was 7, I never meant to kill it. Maybe it's coming back now.

Ultimately though, I feel like like the person I am today is more suited to rough it out in the business world. In fact, I probably will return to that path in college. But I can't lie and say that it's my soulmate right now. I'm certainly still interested, but for right now, this second, when I close my eyes and visualize myself in ten years, I don't see the grey suit, I see the white coat.

Anyway, dreams are okay, for now. I'm in high school, and I'm finally realizing that it's really not that much in the grand scheme of the world. So for now, I can afford to dream - to be doing something that I enjoy, something that I can help other people directly while being "selfish and greedy" myself.

So that's a lot of ranting, and I don't know if I can even summarize this. But two (random?) points I guess: 1) Selfish and greedy isn't bad when it's for your security, and 2) ... sigh.

today: (is january 20, my bad.)

2009-01-21T01:24:00.000-08:00

- President Obama was inaugurated. I do wish I had something witty, or exciting, or otherwise interesting thing to say about it, but I don't. I think it was just emotional. Oh yeah, announcements were like 5 seconds long today, which I appreciated. Because it was hard to listen to the TV and announcements at the same time. And I cried yesterday, reading his victory speech from Nov. 4 last year. I don't know why.

- Was the start of our 3rd French PowerPoint project. I procrastinated the last two times and got A's; suddenly I don't think that's going to happen this year, so I'm not procrastinating again. Also, I have recently been struck by strange ideas of not taking AP French next year. More on that in March, I bet.

- I proofread 38 PowerPoint slides for my dad, about a new proposal for his company for the Board. I started at around 1:00AM and it took around 25 minutes. I have so much more patience after midnight (sometimes, at least, hehe), it's unbelievable.

- K went back to swim practice. I'm really glad for him, and that what I was scared of in an earlier post did not come true. So, good for that.

- I also drove home today and scared the hell out of everyone in the car. But in my defense, Kennedy needs to rethink their parking lot/drop-0ff loop, please. (Also, I promise that I will get better!)

- Felt like another day of break, because of late start tomorrow. So I almost started binging on TV shows again. Until I remembered that we now have school, ugh. Also, I did not do math or APUSH today, and I have math and APUSH tomorrow. I also did not think about Journo, and I have game recaps for In The Zone on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

- I heard and exeperienced several things that, at first notice, made me want to hibernate under blankets until a few years have passed so that I could reemerge to a world in which I am out of high school. Except, now I'm okay. It's okay. It will be okay. We'll all be okay. Que sera sera.

Yup, that was today. Oh goodness gracious, I need to be a more active participant in my life.
Next time I write something, it will be about an interesting topic/thing. Don't worry. I'm taking it upon myself.

Good night.

when your life is sucky, you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men. it's your thing.

2009-01-17T17:15:00.001-08:00

Today I found out that I have no more tolerance for espresso shots. How's that?

Read the post below (!!); this post is just me moping about the unfortunate state of my life, and about things that keep popping up regardless of how much you try to move on.

I mean really, it's a new year, and I certainly do not need more drama. That was the whole point of my New Year's Resolution post, and that is why I stopped ranting about a lot of things to people during Journalism free time. Because I'm putting it past me, and concentrating on making up everything that I screwed up before. Rearranging priorities and the like.

It's not going away. Goddamnit.

I'm just going to keep running away from it.

After all, for things like these, I'm an avoider.

a letter, to you.

2009-01-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

So I was writing an email to ask about the logistics of something I'm doing for Thailand, when before I knew it, I'd written 10 paragraphs for a simple email meant to ask about fees - and I hadn't even gotten to the part when I asked for the fees yet. So I decided to scratch that email and instead post it here. I wrote another, much more concise one that I sent as an email.

Please have patience and try to read it. I know it's long, but really...

-----

Last summer, I and a few high school students initiated a project through WCEO (Wisdom Culture and Education Organization), called Sending Love to North Thailand. We personally flew to visit a rural area in northern Thailand which was located right at the Golden Triangle region, an area infamous for its illicit opium production. The rural area we visited has now become a drug-free village, where many of the inhabitants are in rehab. However, the people are still extremely impoverished.

We visited a children's home set up by a prominent drug rehab center in the area. The rehab center is called Operation Dawn, and the children's home, called Samuel Home, was set up because parents who willingly came to the rehab center were poor and had nowhere to take their kids, and thus decided to bring their kids with them. At the Samuel Home, kids are provided with safe shelter, three meals a day, and basic facilities. At the same time, even the Samuel Home is a non-profit organization, they have limitations with what can be provided for them. A main limitation is education.

Our organization, Sending Love to North Thailand, spent 10 days in Thailand, living with the children in every way. We ate with them, slept with them, used their bathrooms. We experienced the backbreaking work of picking corn off steep hillsides with our bare hands for hours - something that the children help the adults of the Samuel Home do whenever their school goes on vacation. After all, it's essentially the only way they can earn money: pick, husk, shuck, and sell corn.

Operation Dawn, the main rehab center, has had a lot of media attention and donations in the past, as they are the main organization. They do great work aiding the inhabitants of the region, that used to be so dependent on opium. On the other hand, the Samuel Home has been relatively passed by. But even if the world hasn't seen their problems, the problems still exist. These kids study hard, and I've seen with my own eyes how much they value any chance of an education. But because of their lack of funding, when it comes time for them to go to college, they won't have the money. In fact, at any given moment, they could be lacking the money that they need to attend their current schools.

The high school-ers from the Bay Area that founded Sending Love to North Thailand really believe that an education can help each and every one of these children rise above poverty. Their parents have made huge steps in curing their addictions to opium, but after they leave rehab, they still do menial labor for extremely low pay. Many parents, done with rehab, still leave their kids at the Samuel Home because their factory jobs can't support a family. They can only afford to visit once a month, but they feel that at the Home, their kids will have a better chance for a place to sleep and food to eat.

It's hard to change the present. But we want to help these kids create better futures for themselves, and we believe we can - with the help of the generosity of the Silicon Valley community. For an area of such considerable wealth, it might be hard to remember sometimes that across the world in tiny cities, there are kids and adults our own age leading very different lives - and in spite of any economy problems, we have the ability to help them.

Just $10 supports a child's primary education for a month. To us, and even in our current economic status, we could very easily spend $10 buying a coffee and a sandwich, or on a few magazines and newspapers that no one in the family ends up reading. But to the kids of the Samuel Home, $10 is a month's education, and with that, another month's worth of hope. Another month bringing them closer to even the faintest possibility of college, closer to a chance of rising above their family and creating betters lives for themselves and their parents. I'm sure this sounds cliché, but really, it has to be said, because it’s true. There is really, really, really no hope for them otherwise.

That’s why we work so hard to balance schoolwork and extracurriculars and sports and friends and family, and still make time to be committed to this project. That’s why within in our group there are wars and battles and fights and tears and power struggles, but, at the end of the day, still end up looking at each other with those half smiles and looks of understanding and silent promises of compromise. That’s why, last semester, my mom drove me to the studio in God-knows-where DURING FINALS WEEK, the week where I lock myself in my room and don’t even acknowledge my own family, to appear on KTSF’s Talk Tonight at 11:00, when actually, I had my French final the next day and, as things turned out, had hardly any time to study for it.

Because these kids aren’t just random numbers that you see in a brochure, and have no connection to. They’re smart. They’re obedient; they respect authority more than many of the kids here, and they appreciate their education way more than many of the kids here.

But at the same time...

Some of them get jealous of their younger siblings; some of them are obsessed with Taiwanese celebrities like Wu Zun, the rest of Fahrenheit, and S.H.E.; some of them are gossips that tried to ask me about my boyfriend that I didn’t even know I had; some of them like to catch beetles and make them fight each other; some of them like to help with chores and others of them absolutely HATE it; some of them are even too young to understand the value of money, and throw corn around like nobody’s business and then get spanked for it.

For goodness’ sake, they’re like US.

They are teenagers, and elementary school kids, who were born to the other side of the world. Where their lives were ravaged by opium, even before they were born.

They could be me, or you, or my little brother or your little sister.

Yet, because I was born to my parents, I will never have to worry about a college education, and much less a high school education. The quality of it might not be exactly what I want, but no matter what, even if it’s De Anza, there will be a four-year college waiting for me somewhere after MVHS. It's like that for almost all of us here. And they don’t get that privilege.

I don't believe that taking things for granted is necessarily a sin -- but I absolutely feel that although we might be better off than others, we can't hold ourselves above them. They might not have Internet, or air conditioning, or even running water or their own desks at home, but what they do have has certainly changed my perspective on things quite a bit: an appreciation of little things, a warmth toward strangers, an unparalleled generosity and the biggest hearts I've had the pleasure of coming in contact with. Above all, they have a sort of modest ambition: they know what they need to do to succeed, but even though things are arguably harder for them, with a severe shortage of resources, there's definitely no competition, no hostility, nothing but thirty innocent wishes to create better lives for themselves.

Please help us to help them help themselves, and support Sending Love to North Thailand.

-----

If you’re interested, I have a copy of the documentary we showed at our press conference mid-September on CD, and a Youtube video I can recommend is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c_XSUbHJRk

The documentary video on CD explores the various aspects of their lives, and the YouTube video is a particularly touching video that tells the story of one of the family of children at the Samuel Home. At the press conference, we showed the CD documentary first, and then the YouTube video; I think it helps people understand better. It still brings tears to my eyes, and I know we made most of the reporters cry at our press conference.

I’d be happy to bring the CD to somewhere where you can view it if you’re interested, just let me know. And thanks for reading.

no inspiration.

2009-01-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding this blog for far too long, but there is simply nothing moving that I can think of to write about.

This is basically a cheater post, with no real content, but just alerting you that I'm definitely not abandoning this; instead, I'm doing Biology problem sets and reading lots of Degler, hoping for something interesting to stumble upon me.

Sigh. This is a typical day of school.

edit: Plus, I disabled comments. (:

back to school and loving a111.

2009-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

Done! with the first four periods of the first day back to school.

And I am very tired.

I never really thought about it before, but I wonder what I would get if I were ever to calculate the amount of time I've spent in A111 over the course of the year. Journalism alone would be all of my 6th periods + 16 late nights (figures based on an 8 issue production schedule) + 24 miscellaneous production days + random brunches and lunches. Plus, I've started to come here every single 5th period, regardless of whether I have pages to lay out or stories to edit.

In the middle of first semester, I even started looking forward to coming here after Calc. Calc is a stressful class, because I am horrible at math -- it's not really a secret. A111 is the perfect contrast of that, and very refreshing in that way. I come here and I'm familiar with everything that's going on: I watch the movies, I listen in on Mechanics Mondays, I smile as B warns this year's kids to not procrastinate on their portfolios.

Last year, I had a free 4th period, and I really thought it was the end of the world. This year, I have a free 5th period, and while I still wish I could come to school later or leave earlier instead of having to deal with this hole, it's actually a lot better than I thought it could be. I can get help on Calc from seniors, do random interviews for journalism, or finish Lit homework (which works out very well). Or, I can come to A111 and check my email and tweak my stories and play games on my iGoogle. With the library's confusing (and completely impractical, I might add) policies these days, I'm pretty glad I have this option.

unplanned post -- here at last!

2009-01-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Hooray! Here's the picture that we took with KevJumba at Reno, which you can read all about two posts below (it's intensely long). Anyway, he's funny, and cute. Goodbye all.

the little things -- unclichéd, i promise.

2009-01-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

Peanuts says to celebrate the little things, and I completely agree. I'm all for the colorful pens that make pretty lines, for the squish of the sand between my toes, for the sharp smell of papers as they come from the printer, for the bite of the wind on my nose. I'm quick at to wax poetic for things like that. Very quick, and very good.

It's not just good things that come in little packages though -- and this is where the mood of my post takes a downhill turn. While the joy of the world comes contained in little bites of chocolate, or little handwritten notes, what feel like catastrophes can approach the same way as well.

You never think, when you pull out the skateboard at night, that when you're out on the streets you'll trip because of a single jump in the concrete. And if you do, you never think that this fall could hurt your right hand. And if you do, you never think that this injury could turn out to be a fracture. And if you really do think that far, because you really enjoy thinking about 20 steps ahead or whatnot, you never really consider the implications of that injury. Until the damage is done, and you're sitting there with your arm in a sling, and you realize everything that you can't do anymore.

And then you just feel helpless. Because there's absolutely nothing that can speed up the healing process, and all you can do is wait. And you know how crucial time is for swimming -- the average swimmer falls out of shape with just a week out of the water, let alone months. And you go to bed, trying to fall asleep, to wake up to a world where that little crack that made you fall didn't exist, and nothing happened . But you know it's impossible.

It's hard to imagine that a person's entire dream for the future, or for at least the next five years, can be blown away with a single, stupid, silly little fall that wasn't even supposed to happen. That this tiny break in the cement could cause such destruction. But sitting on the sidelines, I see that it's painfully true.

I wish it was only happiness that came in both big and small. At least, then there would be warning for tragedies. But this is the way the world works, I guess. I know this must be true everywhere else, and all the time: people getting fired after one bad day, couples breaking up after one misunderstanding, whatever.

... I guess, it's just getting hard to watch, and it's only just started. And I have no idea what to do, and I hate that feeling.

a view.

2009-01-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

Let me be blunt.

I don't like New Year's resolutions. I never keep them. I think I used to be excited for New Year's and all of the traditions involved -- but as I've gotten older, I've realized that it works better to set smaller, more specific goals, as opposed to one big ambiguous one at the beginning of the year.

This year seems to be an exception.

And maybe it has to do with the fact that everything and everyone around me is changing. And the knowledge that, at the end of this new year, everything will have changed. From what I've heard, Class of 09 is almost, for the most part, completely done with college applications. Isn't that a funny thought? That this time next year, all of the seniors that I love so dearly will be freshly finished with their first semesters of college. That they'll be home -- but only for 3 weeks, until they move back to the dorms that have really become more familiar than their parents' houses. In one year, this year's juniors will be torn between the excitement of the arrival of "our year" and of our second semester senior status (alliteration much?), and the anxiety of knowing that apps are finished and that there's nothing we can do about them. And that the Class of 13 will just be finished with their first few months of high school, not knowing what they're in for -- with the majority of their concerns focused on promises of dissecting fetal pigs, or claiming Sadies' dates.

How strange to imagine.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with anything. Nothing that I can put into words, anyway.

Anyway, as 2009 starts to roll, I have an... idea. It's cloudy, misty, partially formed -- but there's something below the surface. I'm still scared to admit to what I want, but here's what I want to say, what I need to get off my chest:

My dream school is still the same dream school that I've had in my mind from the beginning of freshmen year. It's just that, within that dream school, I didn't expect I'd be going for this college.
No names, but we'll see how it goes.

Ever have that feeling where, for some completely irrational and unexplainable reason, all you can feel is excitement for life, and eagerness to see how it plays out?

reno debrief!

2008-12-29T21:16:00.001-08:00

This post will not be in full-on prose format (actually, all of my posts end up being in list format, come to think of it) because there are too many things I wanted to write about that if I didn't take any shortcuts (that sounds awful, now that I've typed it out) I would either get bored or my fingers would fall off. Or both.

So many apologies for the awkward format/tone/feel of this post. I suppose it's written more for my own enjoyment than anything.

This is a 3 part entry -- and it should all become clear as it moves along. Enjoy!

-----

A piece like this never really works if you don't give it an introduction. (Wow, that sounded profound. In reality, I have no idea what I'm talking about -- but of course, I've noticed this trend from personal experience. And many much-appreciated criticisms, from people like B. Suddenly Writing for Pub memories come rushing back. Anyway.)

So, this is my introduction.

0. a smattering of facts.
We went to Reno for 3 days. Snow was fresh, nice. The weather was horrible on the way there, though. I didn't snowboard on the first day -- which I promptly regretted. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy that stuff. On the day that I sat in the lodge, the rental line at Mt. Rose was cut off at 11:00AM -- which I'm totally not used to. Also, we managed to eat Asian food while we were there -- there was a Pho restaurant literally across the street from out hotel, and we also went to an Asian buffet. House marathons for two nights in a row! That was definitely exciting. We watched Taxi on the way there (for my sister) and The Matrix on the way back (for my brother and me, hooray!). It was fun. I like snow.

Next is story time. A word of warning, though: I tend to have a million things on my mind and jump from place to place, thus impairing my ability to tell stories fluidly. Hopefully this makes sense.

These next anecdotes/passages are things that I was thinking about while away, and were not drafted prior to this.

1. compassion too late.

The weather was horrible on our way to Reno. It was freezing, snowing, and windy. All three. I was grateful for our 4x4. We didn't use snow chains, but my mom really wanted to. And she had a good reason to want to -- a ton of the roads were closed and there was ice everywhere. Scary.

While we were still basically just starting up the mountains, we saw a minivan stuck in snow at the side of the road. You could see that the car was on, and the engine was going, but the wheels were basically just stuck. There was no way for it to get out, without like a ton of shoveling or pushing the car (impossible, I bet, it was like a ton after all) or some other drastic measure. We drove on, scared, hoping that wouldn't happen to us.

I fell asleep for a while, and when I woke up, we were in a dilemma. What we hoped wouldn't happen to us basically did happen to us. It was the scariest ten minutes of my life. I've never been more acutely aware of how slippery ice is, of how heavy an SUV is, of how dangerous bad weather can be. We we'd only slipped a little bit off the road, but it felt impossible to get back up.

What made it worse was that Dad, freaked out, had the brilliant idea for us to get out and push the car. NEVER. EVER. IN MY LIFE. Goodness gracious, when the road is that slippery, and it's snowing so no one can even see clearly, and you don't have snow chains on and there's like no traction on the road -- NEVER GET BEHIND A CAR LIKE THAT. And of course, K decided to actually take Dad seriously, and got behind the car for like two seconds before my mom almost had a heart attack and pulled him out.

We got back up on the road in the next few minutes, but it felt like hours. And after that, I was always uncomfortably aware of how narrow and slippery the road was. It's a very humbling feeling, when something you take for granted as safe proves to be just the opposite of that. I couldn't fall asleep after that.

After we were a bit more settled on the road, we thought back to that minivan, stuck in the snow from earlier. Sympathetically. And wondered, worriedly, if it was okay.

2. kevjumba is real!

And he goes on trips to Mt. Rose too!

The day that I decided not to snowboard and instead sat in the lodge all day (where I read Nineteen Eighty-Four and The Scarlet Letter and watched a DVD on J's mom's portable DVD player) I ran into W and M, who I haven't seen in ages. It made me laugh, how twin-ly synchronized they were; I talked to W for a few minutes before M came back from buying food, and they both had the same three things to tell me:
1. I haven't seen you in so long! How are you?
2. Your brother is so tall!
3. WE SAW KEVJUMA THIS MORNING! HE'S HERE!

The first thing was actually a good conversation starter, as we talked about our lack of sports, hotels and their quirks, and hanging out. And the second thing is something that I hear from everyone, to which I gave my usual response -- "I know, he's like 6 inches taller than me! It's not fair!"

The third thing though, surprised me. And interested me. Because, KevJumba is funny, and cute. Very cute, actually. And I wanted to see him in real life. But I didn't think about it much, because what were the chances, right? And besides, I had a ton of other occupying stuff to keep me busy.

The entire day went by, and no sign of KevJumba. That was fine; in fact, I wasn't really even thinking about it, as I went to help E return her skis. I saw W and M again, standing with my brother, downstairs. Which was pretty neat. And then, suddenly M saw me, grabbed my arm, and whispered fiercely, "Wanna come ask KevJumba for a picture with me? He's right there *point*." And this next part was pretty embarassing, because I didn't even see him for like, 3 minutes. When in fact he was standing literally 20 feet away. In my defense though, there were a lot people there. But anyway, what ensued was a lot of subtle pointing that wasn't all that subtle, and a lot of whispering that wasn't really quiet.

Of course, after I saw him, they still hadn't decided who was going to and ask for a picture. And I decided not to help them, because I felt evil. Although I had already made up my mind that if they hadn't decided in the next minute, I was going to march up and ask myself. But I passed the time by amusing myself with watching KevJumba and his friend talk, then his friend when he realized that adolescent girls (and a tall guy) were looking and pointing in their direction, then his friend leaning over and informing Kevin Wu that he had a fan crowd standing 20 feet away.

Then, here's the cool (and also exceedingly embarassing part) -- after about another minute of this, KevJumba makes his way to leave, but before he does, he comes right up to us instead.

We talk for a bit. I ask for a picture for W and M, who don't seem to be able to talk right then. So everyone gets in the picture. Then, everyone has to leave. And that was it.

Observations:
1. KevJumba (so, I use Kevin Wu and KevJumba interchangably, but both feel awkward. I've never really had this experience before. How do you refer to a YouTube celebrity that you've met in real life?!) is a nice guy, at least in the five or ten minutes that we talked. I wasn't kidding when I said that it wasn't awkward. He made it not awkward. And that was appreciated. And so now I have more respect for him, because it's more than what you'd expect from a college freshman who wanted nothing more than a nice vacation in Reno. He's good at making impressions, and that's pretty valuable.
2. He uses "y'all". Of course, he's from Texas, so that's not a surprise. But it was cool. :)
3. I don't get starstruck. In fact, the more I'm with starstruck people, the more mellow and, sometimes, nonchalant I get. I know what I was thinking then -- "He's just a person, like you are, for goodness sake!" And I didn't think about it much.
4. That was a good experience. He could be a future celebrity-crush. As for now, no.

He's cuter in real life, too.

This was a long segment.

3. everybody lies.

I don't normally watch TV at home. And when I do watch TV shows, I don't even watch them on on television most of the time. But at hotels, there's nothing much else really to do -- and so that is an entirely different story.

I like House. I really, really, really like House. The show, I mean. I would probably like other medical dramas if I tried them out, because I get so worked up about the diagnosis and surgery (when there is surgery -- but that is almost every episode, so it's fine). At the same time, though, Dr. Gregory House is just a character all his own that I've completely fallen in love with. He's cocky, he's mildly chauvinistic, and he's sometimes (most of the time) a jerk, but he's also amazingly intelligent and perceptive. He's also got problems that make him human, despite millions of accusations of him being heartless.

We had two nights of House marathons while in our hotel room, and that was super, super wonderful. I basically refused to change the channel for hours. We watched the same commercials (State Farm, miscellaneous work-out equipment, etc) over and over. And it was a whole lot of fun.

4. and by the way... i hate that stupid old pick-up truck you never let me drive.

Ski trips are fun, but the car rides to get to the slopes are generally not.

I did have my iPod though, thankfully. So after loading everything, and everyone into the car, and after ten, fifteen minutes of being on the road, I'd pull out it out, slip the earbuds in, and set a playlist on play. And after doing that about ten times in three days, I've noticed something about my taste in music. Which is that I enjoy country pop.

I think that's actually not too uncommon nowadays, ever since Taylor Swift got her burst in popularity. And I'd know all about that boom, because I can still remember the days back in the middle of first semester; one day, I had no idea who Taylor Swift was, and the next day I had Love Story on repeat for an hour. (And I still have the lyrics memorized from that day.)

Still, it's not widespread. But I think I prefer this. Part of it is just that it's nicer to listen to -- "real music" played by "real instruments." I think I find guitar and whatever else they play (I never claimed to be an expert!) comforting in this sense. And the other part is definitely the lyrics, the conent in the songs. I like being able to sing along to the lyrics without having the censor myself in front of my little sister or my parents.

Anyway, Picture to Burn and Teardrops On My Guitar were two of my most played songs on the trip, along with random Asian pop. Good stuff.

Finally, there are journal entries that I wrote in a notebook in Reno that could constitute as complete blog posts. They basically have nothing at all to do with Reno, but were things that I wanted to write for a long time. So after thinking about it for a while (and taking into account that I'm tired of typing :/) I think I'll post them later. Or never. But most likely later, although maybe not for a while.

5. upcoming:
- on passive aggression
- on complaining
- on the use of sex in novels
- picture: kevjumba!

-----

Alright, that is all for now! I don't think we're going anywhere for the rest of break, so we'll see how exciting the following days are. Good night!

off to reno!

2008-12-25T03:42:00.001-08:00

So, it's Christmas day and we're off to Reno for a few days! And I am not done packing. Take some time to notice the timestamp; yes, it's quite early/late.

Not sure if I'm going to snowboard this year. Or ski. Or do anything, except sip hot chocolate in the lodge and read/write. Does that sound awful? Honestly though, sometimes I feel like the headache of waiting in lines and clomping around in boots isn't worth the minutes of really exciting fun outside.

... Okay, so that's a complete lie. I want to go do stuff. Just not super badly, though. And I've just started to realize how extremely short this break is. I'm bringing Nineteen Eighty-Four, The Scarlet Letter, Anna Karenina, and a notebook. So that I can write about our goings-ons in the snow! How exciting! Probably not really, but notebooks are good to keep on hand in general. :) Plus, I think it will kill the boredom (hm...) to write about certain things (passive aggression, oh my!). The novels are because I'm actually being banned from being school-related or SAT-related stuff. So I'm trying to be productive by reading good literature that I really should have read a long time ago.

Anyway, this basically means that I won't be at a computer until late on Saturday. Hopefully I'll be back with funny stories and pictures!

it's christmas!

2008-12-24T16:55:00.000-08:00

Hooray! First post of the day that actually feels like it's Christmas. Possibly not the last either.

Actually, I know it's not the last because it's super busy around here, and there's still cookies to bake and other fun stuff to make. So that's all for now, I guess.

Off to make fun baked goods to eat. I wonder what else I can come up with today. :)

old friends.

2008-12-24T02:15:00.000-08:00

Continuation from yesterday. (edit: wow, so I just realized that Blogger uses the time that you started a post to publish. Which is why the timestamp is in the middle of the night. It's actually about 3PM in the afternoon right now.) This cutting off internet thing isn't really working out, not to mention super unnecessary now that I don't talk to D anymore. In fact, it's very limiting as to what I can do, especially since I don't have the good conscience to blog before midnight, when I could(SHOULD) be doing work.

Also, pictures! I realized that the preview screen looked super dull, and thus, figured that I should do something to it. :)

Anyway. I was super inspired by this before, but some of it has been lost through sleep. Basically, though, one great thing about this break is probably the fact that I'm getting in contact again, and hanging out with, friends from elementary school, middle school, and whenever.

I think I've always had this issue with people, where I absolutely hate being on bad terms with anyone -- which is why I had such big problems with D, I think. But in trying to let all that drama go, I've started to realized that there are so many people that I've forgotten, over the years. And I think that's horrible.

So, planned to hang out with V today -- but it might be later instead. Still, better than nothing. Plus, St. Louis room sleepover sometime this break, with A, J, and I! Super excited for that -- people always say that Journalism spawns friendships, but I never knew how true it could be. These girls are amazing. And I've been talking to A almost every day these past days... I hope we do something sometime (and this goes for like, everyone), because I'd hate to stop and think a year later and realize that I've kicked more people out of my life.

And then at 2 in the morning last night, I rashly left a very desperate sounding and... awkward comment on M's wall. The only thing more awkward than that would have been to make it a private message. I feel kind of mean now, because I know that M was never as good at taking my sickenly-sugary-sweet, pleading messages as D was. Basically because he's a little more passive aggressive, I guess. Ohh. Passive aggression. That deserves its own post. Sigh. I guess we'll just see where that goes from here...

Anyway, it's the season for family and friends -- Happy Holidays, everyone.

productivity.

2008-12-24T01:55:00.000-08:00

- AE meeting at C's house! Was an hour late, but it was all okay, because we were productive today. Discussed KMS, AE Committee, drafted Job Fair project guidelines for KMS, researched material costs, researched venue costs, contacted PTA, contacted Lincoln... :) all that, and managed to still look up fun recipes and facebook.
- Portraits with the family. Took super long, but it was worth it -- they came out so much better for all of us than last time. Hooray! And Mom renewed membership, meaning that "when we have nothing to do, we'll just go take portraits." This is like major camera-whore incentive, right there.
- My Nissan will soon have a beautiful new paint job, and that will be wonderful.
- Did an entire SAT. Whew. I don't want to comment on that. But it was super productive.
- Sent out a bizplan email to A and E! And spent a super long time on it too. But it's okay; I just hope that they can read and understand my random thoughts and expressions. And that they don't get dizzy from all the lovely colors I decided to include when discussing color palettes, hehe.
- Read. Barely anything, but it was still nice! And I still haven't finished Nineteen Eighty-Four yet, which is kind of bad. But I'm going slow, and trying to teach it to myself as if I were reading it in Lit. We'll see.

guilt-ish feelings...

2008-12-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

Fourth day of break.

I feel like I keep getting asked what I want to accomplish this break. It's really not that easy to answer. I know what everyone wants me to do. If I could just say whatever I wanted though, without feeling burdened by what I know to be best for me and what my conscience tells me, this would be a major part of my my Winter Break 08 To Do List:

- Read books. (See entry below!)This is probably the only productive thing that I actually have passion to do...
- Update my iPod. Seriously, it's been too long. Though to be honest I'm kind of worried as to what I'll find myself putting into it... never mind.
- Watch lots and lots of movies. And the first one would be Titanic. Things have changed since the beginning of this year -- and they're not likely to change back.
- Baking spree! I recently discovered (okay, I discovered today) that I can actually make pretty interesting things with my oven. So that is a new project.
- Guitar Hero. Because it's super super cool and therapeutic.
- Xmas card writing & shopping. That is a necessity, I think. Which is funny. I'm never very big on holidays, but this year I am.

Instead, I end up still with massive piles of SAT work, and APUSH reading. FBLA comps and projects, which could, to some people, seem like "work", are now like relaxation time. At least I'm interested in what I'm doing there, and more importantly, excited for it.

-----

Anyway, today:

- Went to C's house for AE (I totally just started typing PwB; eek.) and actually got some stuff done. Then we made thumbprint cookies, which was SUPER fun -- even though I had to leave before they were done.

- Helped E with random present making for friends: dipping glue-covered candles into pans of glitter, making Christmas ornaments out of felt, pompoms, bells, and googley eyes (what are those called?), wrapping random things = I totally wish I was in 3rd grade again (:

- Made thumbprint cookies at home! They weren't real, at least I didn't think so, because I didn't have nuts to roll the dough balls in. But I melted white chocolate chips and made frosting-ish stuff which was yummy.

- SATs.

Sigh.

preliminary ramblings.

2008-12-22T03:54:00.000-08:00

It's almost 4am, and I can't fall alseep.

It's really frustrating. Water keeps hitting the gutter on the other side of the wall. Usually it's a comforting sound. Most of the time, I sleep better when it rains; that's why I get excited when it does. Right now, it's just kind of irritating.

Today (well, yesterday, I guess) was the third day of break, and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. But there's not much to rant about that, really, because I actually didn't have plans to do anything.
That sounds pretty bad, doesn't it?
I did start to read (finally!) Nineteen Eighty-Four, by Orwell. I think I've had the book for almost a year, or maybe more than that (?) but I'd never gotten around it actually picking it up. I'm glad I did. It's very interesting, and even more so when you consider the historical context of World War II. And then there are all these parallels between what happened in history and the environment that Winston lives in and---
Yeah, great fun. And no sarcasm there either. I haven't read real literature in way too long.

I should have a winter break reading list. Now that I think about it, there are already books that come to mind:
1. The Grapes of Wrath. I started this a long time ago, but before I finished even the third chapter I had to return it.
2. Anna Karenina. I started this too -- and no excuses, it's on my bookshelf. I don't even know why I keep ignoring it, really; I refuse to believe that it is because it's boring (insert scowl). I like Tolstoy, and I'm going to finish his book...
3. Tuesdays with Morrie. I think I started this in the MVHS (look, AP style!) library during a fifth period sometime before finals week, and I never went back to it. And it's short, so I'll be done quickly.
4. The Scarlet Letter. Mainly because like every single AmLit class is reading it, except mine. At the same time, I hang out with mostly BritLit or LitHonors people... nah, that's not an excuse. I actually should have read this book already, I don't know why I haven't.
5. Breaking Dawn. Hah. Hah. Hah. I'm not kidding. It's a long story. But I guess I'm reading it.
6. Wuthering Heights. Again, something I should have already read; I reread Atlas Shrugged (<3!) instead.
7. Les Mis. I want to at least start it.

... That's a lot. And now I'm doubting my own "well-read-ness", because I feel like I should have read all this earlier (minus Breaking Dawn, which I probably shouldn't be reading...).

-----

Damn, it's super late. Early.
I need to go to bed, and actually fall asleep.
So I suppose I will continue my ramblings another day.
A rain check.
Oh gosh, I'm not funny.
It's still pouring.