No, I am not moving -- but tiramisucupcake is.
I've been thinking about this for a while, and for a number of reasons, I've decided to start clean for senior year :) New beginnings, in more ways than one.
If you'd like to keep up with me, you can now find me at:
tiramisucupcake.wordpress.com
(See how I kept the username the same? To make it easier on you guys! Update those Google Readers, hint hint!)
I'm still figuring out WordPress, but hopefully I'll have it down soon. Until then, be patient with me, I'm learning.
As a final note here, a goodbye sentiment from junior year -- For all you seniors at I've gotten to know so much better through blogging, please keep in touch after you guys all leave (and visit whenever possible, of course!). If you're mad at school or roommates or anything, feel free to call or email, as always! Or video chat, or instant message, wow I can go on and on. For everyone else, I'm so excited for the rest of summer and this new school year and you should be too! See you in August :)
Love always, Tammy.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
today, we stop being juniors
and start being seniors.
Yesterday, A took us to Narnia. We swung on the swing (I was horrible at getting on and off, and N almost killed herself/gave me a heart attack when she was hanging over the edge the first time), and looked at the view, and it was incredibly, incredibly amazing. All the screaming and falling on my butt and getting my jeans and face and hair completely dirty, it was like adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. There's something about standing up high and looking over a city, or being like 10 feet up in the air that's just so exhilarating (and now I know where to run to over the summer!). In the car on the way there, we listened to horrible music, haha. Extremely vulgar. Thanks a lot, A and C. Also the driving was so interesting that I screamed about once every five seconds. Hahaha oh my gosh.
Last night, the emails chains that I've been waiting for since forever finally came. I had Gmail open on the browser for hours last night, and as I was watching videos I'd pounce on new messages as soon as they came in. I'm even more excited after reading all the introductions, not to mention completely anxious for the next month to go by as soon as possible.
Last night I also had some conversations that I'll remember for a long, long time. Because sometimes you don't have a choice, you know? What happens, happens.
09 is graduating tonight, and I know I'll have a lot to say about that too. But right now, just for myself, I think that it's worth it to kind of contemplate how things are changing for me next year.
In my entire life, I've never had a rebellious stage. I've heard people say that it's better for kids to be rebellious earlier in their lives, so that by the time they've become upperclassmen in high school they've kind of straightened themselves out -- which is a lot more valuable, I think, than being straightened out only by their parents. I don't think that this is my rebellious stage -- not at all, I know that this is tame compared to what I could be doing -- but I think that in the past month I've suddenly gotten a lot more open to things I would've never considered, enjoyed, or given the time of day previously. It feels kind of liberating.
I have a feeling that this summer will be really impactful. (<-- that is not a word, but I didn't really know that until like, today) And even more, I think certain things are definitely changing for senior year, that I haven't ever dared to change previously.
I mean at the end of the day, I only have this one last year left, right?
Yesterday, A took us to Narnia. We swung on the swing (I was horrible at getting on and off, and N almost killed herself/gave me a heart attack when she was hanging over the edge the first time), and looked at the view, and it was incredibly, incredibly amazing. All the screaming and falling on my butt and getting my jeans and face and hair completely dirty, it was like adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. There's something about standing up high and looking over a city, or being like 10 feet up in the air that's just so exhilarating (and now I know where to run to over the summer!). In the car on the way there, we listened to horrible music, haha. Extremely vulgar. Thanks a lot, A and C. Also the driving was so interesting that I screamed about once every five seconds. Hahaha oh my gosh.
Last night, the emails chains that I've been waiting for since forever finally came. I had Gmail open on the browser for hours last night, and as I was watching videos I'd pounce on new messages as soon as they came in. I'm even more excited after reading all the introductions, not to mention completely anxious for the next month to go by as soon as possible.
Last night I also had some conversations that I'll remember for a long, long time. Because sometimes you don't have a choice, you know? What happens, happens.
09 is graduating tonight, and I know I'll have a lot to say about that too. But right now, just for myself, I think that it's worth it to kind of contemplate how things are changing for me next year.
In my entire life, I've never had a rebellious stage. I've heard people say that it's better for kids to be rebellious earlier in their lives, so that by the time they've become upperclassmen in high school they've kind of straightened themselves out -- which is a lot more valuable, I think, than being straightened out only by their parents. I don't think that this is my rebellious stage -- not at all, I know that this is tame compared to what I could be doing -- but I think that in the past month I've suddenly gotten a lot more open to things I would've never considered, enjoyed, or given the time of day previously. It feels kind of liberating.
I have a feeling that this summer will be really impactful. (<-- that is not a word, but I didn't really know that until like, today) And even more, I think certain things are definitely changing for senior year, that I haven't ever dared to change previously.
I mean at the end of the day, I only have this one last year left, right?
Saturday, May 30, 2009
the bio rooms...
smell HORRIBLE lately.
I think it's a combination of the freshman pig dissections, and the AP Bio refrigerator of death (zone of inhibition! Every day during class!).
Quite honestly, I'm kind of nostalgic for the dissection.
I'm not blade-happy or eager to kill animals -- but I really did learn a lot from that. More than I'm learning from this PDP anyway. (And I'm really not learning that much from this, actually, but I think I make this project sound worse than it actually is. It's just so easy to complain about it.)
So instead I like to think about our pig. We never named it. I thought that was kind of sadistic. Plus Lerner wouldn't let us. Yes I was the surgeon for our dissection. And I was very good. I think I've said that before. We got a 10 on our brain.
I don't actually know the point of this post, but it's something that I think about whenever I walk by B building... and I'm probably not the only one.
I think it's a combination of the freshman pig dissections, and the AP Bio refrigerator of death (zone of inhibition! Every day during class!).
Quite honestly, I'm kind of nostalgic for the dissection.
I'm not blade-happy or eager to kill animals -- but I really did learn a lot from that. More than I'm learning from this PDP anyway. (And I'm really not learning that much from this, actually, but I think I make this project sound worse than it actually is. It's just so easy to complain about it.)
So instead I like to think about our pig. We never named it. I thought that was kind of sadistic. Plus Lerner wouldn't let us. Yes I was the surgeon for our dissection. And I was very good. I think I've said that before. We got a 10 on our brain.
I don't actually know the point of this post, but it's something that I think about whenever I walk by B building... and I'm probably not the only one.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
taiwan.
I would like to go back this summer.
I haven't been back since that wonderful, amazing (that's both sarcastic and not sarcastic) summer before high school.
< / 3
I haven't been back since that wonderful, amazing (that's both sarcastic and not sarcastic) summer before high school.
< / 3
Sunday, May 24, 2009
because, finally, i know --
I deserve better.
I karaoked today, for the first time in my memory at least (okay, I'm sure that's not how you phrase it). To be honest, I didn't think it was going to be half as fun as it actually was. I'm really glad I went. It was nice, just being a room full of people with the lights off and a disco ball shining colors everywhere and everyone staring at a projector with words flashing across it. Not thinking about anything and just singing.
For the entire three hours, there was only one time that I wasn't honestly completely happy -- and I think, since it was so dark, it was pretty well hid and I got over it quickly. But of course, since it's the one thing that really upset me, it's what I've been thinking about for the entire afternoon and it's what this post is going to be about, for the most part. So before I describe it, I just want to say that the entire social was very well planned and that I wasn't upset by anything that anyone could have prevented :)
In the middle of singing one of the slower Chinese songs, P, who was sitting right next to me, became very disinterested in the song (I didn't entirely blame him) and, bored, leaned over to me and said, "This is going on forever. God. What can we do... Tammy, how are things with *****? Tell me, tell me. I'm sure this'll take about an hour." The urging and crude comments didn't stop until the end of the song.
I'm not really going to try to describe how I felt, because I know it'll come off as extremely lame sounding. (And, taking an early suggestion, I have a diary to do that kind of thing now! Actually, it's a $1.50 notebook that I bought from Daiso. But that's another story entirely.) But if I could, this is where it would go. I also felt like I was going to cry, but of course, no one knew.
I don't think I need to continue the story any longer.
The reason why I'm publishing this isn't to embarrass someone (except, maybe myself, but that's certainly not intentional either) but rather because this is something that's been bothering me for a long, long time.
Instead, it's this that I can't figure out:
Why can't anyone seem to understand that I genuinely like someone, and that I when I get rejected, I genuinely get hurt?
And why does this always seem to happen around the people that I consider friends?
Quite honestly, I'm done being bothered by this.
I'm extremely offended, and extremely hurt, hurt more than the person you asked about hurt me.
I know that some people aren't interested in hearing the story because they think it's bad for me. And I can respect that, and I can appreciate that. Because at least they're doing it because they care about me -- at least, I think that's why they are.
What bothers me is when you know so much about it and you STILL treat it like a joke.
In Journalism, it's a joke -- but that's a case that I'm completely 100% okay with. Because it's completely different in Journalism. It's less about the real situation and more about part of the story that's become a part of me, if that makes sense. It is a part of who I am -- it's something that I brought into the class, it's something that I'm associated with, it's something that I essentially said was okay to do and I'm still in complete agreement with. I'm completely okay with it, under that context. In fact, if it stopped, I'd feel weird. I think it has to do with the fact that, at this point, I'm starting to trust Journo more about this. Because while it's a joke to them, they're on my side -- and they still respect me (sometimes I do wonder why, though -- if I have a blemish on my name in that class it'd be this). And that's fucking important. I don't really know how to stress this point more.
I think it's a difference of curiosity (which is okay) versus complete, utter lack of regard of my emotions as a person (which is not okay, and especially not okay coming from a friend). I think that was written very dramatically, but it's okay. I feel very dramatically about this. Ha.
On the other hand, people that are completely close to me, and have followed the story (and, might I mention, have followed the story through pumping it out of other people, instead of hearing it from me) should know even better than Journo. You can treat it as a joke, but if we're friends, I expect you to also realize that I have feelings and that TEN fucking times out of ten, asking a question with that tone and under that kind of circumstance is just going to make me extremely sad and extremely mad at the same time.
I think I'm not phrasing this correctly. It's still very emotional and whatever. I'm still pretty bothered. Maybe I'll try again next time.
I karaoked today, for the first time in my memory at least (okay, I'm sure that's not how you phrase it). To be honest, I didn't think it was going to be half as fun as it actually was. I'm really glad I went. It was nice, just being a room full of people with the lights off and a disco ball shining colors everywhere and everyone staring at a projector with words flashing across it. Not thinking about anything and just singing.
For the entire three hours, there was only one time that I wasn't honestly completely happy -- and I think, since it was so dark, it was pretty well hid and I got over it quickly. But of course, since it's the one thing that really upset me, it's what I've been thinking about for the entire afternoon and it's what this post is going to be about, for the most part. So before I describe it, I just want to say that the entire social was very well planned and that I wasn't upset by anything that anyone could have prevented :)
In the middle of singing one of the slower Chinese songs, P, who was sitting right next to me, became very disinterested in the song (I didn't entirely blame him) and, bored, leaned over to me and said, "This is going on forever. God. What can we do... Tammy, how are things with *****? Tell me, tell me. I'm sure this'll take about an hour." The urging and crude comments didn't stop until the end of the song.
I'm not really going to try to describe how I felt, because I know it'll come off as extremely lame sounding. (And, taking an early suggestion, I have a diary to do that kind of thing now! Actually, it's a $1.50 notebook that I bought from Daiso. But that's another story entirely.) But if I could, this is where it would go. I also felt like I was going to cry, but of course, no one knew.
I don't think I need to continue the story any longer.
The reason why I'm publishing this isn't to embarrass someone (except, maybe myself, but that's certainly not intentional either) but rather because this is something that's been bothering me for a long, long time.
Instead, it's this that I can't figure out:
Why can't anyone seem to understand that I genuinely like someone, and that I when I get rejected, I genuinely get hurt?
And why does this always seem to happen around the people that I consider friends?
Quite honestly, I'm done being bothered by this.
I'm extremely offended, and extremely hurt, hurt more than the person you asked about hurt me.
I know that some people aren't interested in hearing the story because they think it's bad for me. And I can respect that, and I can appreciate that. Because at least they're doing it because they care about me -- at least, I think that's why they are.
What bothers me is when you know so much about it and you STILL treat it like a joke.
In Journalism, it's a joke -- but that's a case that I'm completely 100% okay with. Because it's completely different in Journalism. It's less about the real situation and more about part of the story that's become a part of me, if that makes sense. It is a part of who I am -- it's something that I brought into the class, it's something that I'm associated with, it's something that I essentially said was okay to do and I'm still in complete agreement with. I'm completely okay with it, under that context. In fact, if it stopped, I'd feel weird. I think it has to do with the fact that, at this point, I'm starting to trust Journo more about this. Because while it's a joke to them, they're on my side -- and they still respect me (sometimes I do wonder why, though -- if I have a blemish on my name in that class it'd be this). And that's fucking important. I don't really know how to stress this point more.
I think it's a difference of curiosity (which is okay) versus complete, utter lack of regard of my emotions as a person (which is not okay, and especially not okay coming from a friend). I think that was written very dramatically, but it's okay. I feel very dramatically about this. Ha.
On the other hand, people that are completely close to me, and have followed the story (and, might I mention, have followed the story through pumping it out of other people, instead of hearing it from me) should know even better than Journo. You can treat it as a joke, but if we're friends, I expect you to also realize that I have feelings and that TEN fucking times out of ten, asking a question with that tone and under that kind of circumstance is just going to make me extremely sad and extremely mad at the same time.
I think I'm not phrasing this correctly. It's still very emotional and whatever. I'm still pretty bothered. Maybe I'll try again next time.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
morning.
Today I woke up at 5 again. I haven't done that in a while.
I think there's just something about waking up in the really early morning, that just puts life into perspective for you. You can literally hear the birds chirping and the sound of leftover water droplets falling. It's very nice.
Yesterday (as in, Friday at 2:30 in the morning), I wrote another letter. One of the ones that sound pathetic, but that you mean with all your heart. From it:
More than anything, I want to this happy for a long, long time.
And this is why I like sunrises so much.
I think there's just something about waking up in the really early morning, that just puts life into perspective for you. You can literally hear the birds chirping and the sound of leftover water droplets falling. It's very nice.
Yesterday (as in, Friday at 2:30 in the morning), I wrote another letter. One of the ones that sound pathetic, but that you mean with all your heart. From it:
"And, I mean, even at the world's darkest, I know that the sun will come up the next day. There hasn't been a change in the world so catastrophic so as to change that, yet."
More than anything, I want to this happy for a long, long time.
And this is why I like sunrises so much.
Friday, May 22, 2009
breathe - taylor swift
I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm really, really, really sorry.
But I wish you were sorry too.
I can't breathe without you, and I really really wish I didn't have to.
But if I don't have a choice, I don't have a choice.
I'd work to bring us even just a millimeter away from that point.
edit:
You'd think that, after so long, this kind of thing would get easier.
It doesn't.
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm really, really, really sorry.
But I wish you were sorry too.
I can't breathe without you, and I really really wish I didn't have to.
But if I don't have a choice, I don't have a choice.
I'd work to bring us even just a millimeter away from that point.
edit:
You'd think that, after so long, this kind of thing would get easier.
It doesn't.
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